pious agnostic

new home

2010-03-23T19:29:00.001+08:00

temporarily moving to www.lengoestoindia.blogspot.com. see you there

Breaking language barrier

2009-12-12T00:13:00.003+08:00

Half-heartedly I set off to Kerala one November evening. Never mind if it’s one Indian state many volunteers want to visit, and in the cultural capital, Thrissur, at that. I’ve just been to another state a week ago to visit a state level network (SLN) of people living with HIV (PLHIVs) and observed their programs. Travelling again so soon, on a night train, to observe activities of yet another SLN was the last thing I wanted to do. One, despite being in A/C’d coach I spend most of the night just tossing and turning in my bunk. Two, the programs in every state and district are similar in nature. Three, the activities that I observed were in local languages. But the people in INP+ (the NGO where I’m placed as volunteer) guaranteed that I was not going to be a mere observer this time but would conduct orientation to district level network (DLN), as part of the leadership and management workshop. So off alone I went.

The train arrived in Thrissur railway station at 4:45 the following morning. Tired and half-asleep I got on a rickshaw, 5 minutes later I was looking at the façade of the shabby Elite Hotel. The equally tired and half-asleep front-desk officer roomed me in with someone named Rada I assumed was a participant. I knew immediately that there was a mistake; I was told beforehand I would share a room, but with the resource person from INP+. I decided not to protest and just settle it later. All I wanted was to lay my weary body in bed and take the longest nap possible before the session started at 9:30 that same morning.

My roomie was a Malayalese woman, about 50 years old, and spoke only Malayalam. She struck a conversation with me, cogitated who walked in and interrupted her sleep. By this time I was already cranky as I had repeatedly said “INP+” to assure her I came from a kindred organization. I motioned her to go to sleep, that I wanted to sleep too but she just went on. Of the many words she uttered I could only understand two. Did I speak Hindi? “No Hindi, only English”. Then she asked “Positive?” I answered in the negative which prompted her to talk more. I wondered if it would have assuaged her doubts if I said I was positive with HIV like her.

Finally, at almost 6 am, she spared me quiet time. I instantly drifted off to slumber only to be roused by knocks at the door at little past 7 am. Rada was up, had taken a shower and was fixing her sari, but still could not speak English; she motioned for me to get up and have breakfast.

Breakfast was served at the conference hall. I walked in a roomful of PLHIVs. Everyone looked at me with perplexed faces. I introduced myself as someone from INP+ but that didn’t take away the bafflement. I was famished but coyness preceded my desire to partake of the morning meal so I stepped outside and waited for Reshana, the coordinator. Finally she arrived and I was able to have breakfast. Though I positioned myself in the farthest nook I could feel occasional glances towards my direction.

My task that day was to orient the DLNs on computerized management information system (CMIS). I was briefed again who were the participants. They were new board members. All of them have the virus. Some of them have low levels of education, others have reached 10th standard plus one (finished high school and one year in college). Most of them do not speak English. Majority is computer illiterate. No computers in DLN offices. I knew some of these facts beforehand but Reshana qualified ‘new’ which meant they didn’t know anything about their roles and the functions of DLN at all.

I prepared a technical presentation; with this kind of participants there was no way they could understand what I was to talk about, much less appreciate. I was slated to present in the morning but requested Reshana to reschedule me later in the day as I had to revise my presentation to fit their need. It took two cups of coffee.

The workshop started an hour late. I had the opportunity to be introduced as a volunteer in INP+, not Indian, not positive, to about 30 men and women with HIV, of various ages, the youngest present being 5 years old.

I realized I wasn’t wearing my wristwatch. Rada had the key to our room. I approached her during tea break, talked and motioned that I needed it. There must be another meaning in Kerala when you make a semi-fist with index finger and thumb extended a little and act like unlocking a door, for it took her a minute and interpretations from the other PLHIVs to understand what I wanted. After the brief charade, I got the key and my watch. I decided to just keep the key in my pocket.

I went back to Rada and told her the key is in my pocket if she needed it. Again, she could not understand. So I asked her what is key in Malayalam – takol. I told her it will be in my pocket fingering the back pocket of my jeans, which she said is the keshayil. Glad to make progress, I told her, ‘The takol is in my keshayil.”

The other PLHIVs, by this time no longer puzzled who this stranger was, watched us with amusement and took notice of my earnestness to learn their language. Joseph, a SLN officer who could speak English well, taught me to complete the sentence in Malayalam, but demanded that I also taught them Filipino. So I wrote it on the board and that broke the ice.

The key is in my pocket.
Takol enti keshayil annu. (Malayalam)
Ang susi ay nasa aking bulsa.

When I did my presentation, Reshana acted as my interpreter. I deliberately shortened my sentences so she would not be lost in her translation. I was lost in hers though. I sensed she told them more than I did, but it was alright. My apprehension was that they would not get the one joke I said to keep them awake. Luckily, they did after the translation. Call that delayed gratification.

After my presentation the PLHIVs were more at ease with me and I with them. They spent most of their breaks gathering around me teaching me Malayalam and me teaching them English. I could absorb only so much that I requested they taught me just ten words a day. The language lesson was ended with Rada cupping her hands on my face and said something in Malayalam later translated to English for me as “Your face is beautiful” she said. Another delayed gratification.

Living India

2009-09-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

I am waiting for that day, before I write again when I would begin with “It’s an exhilarating day today” or ‘something unforgettably wonderful happened”. It’s not my standard opening line, and not a very appealing one, but at least it wouldn’t suggest another tirade. I thought India and its citizens deserve some praise from me for letting me in this incredible country. But so far, my experiences here have just been that, incredible.

I blame it partly on my indolence to discover more of the sights, history and culture. I’ve been here for two months, but I can count in my fingers how many places I have visited, a Jain temple in Old Delhi, the Red Fort in Agra and right across it is the Taj Mahal which would have been really inane if I missed going there, and Spencer Plaza (a shopping mall) here in Chennai. On one hand, the fact that I am staying here for two years psyches me up that I have the luxury of time, later not sooner I’ll see enough of India. On the other hand, there are limitations to what I can and am willing to do at the moment.

As I live alone sans the comfort of a washer and a clothesline I spend a good deal of my weekends doing my laundry on an installment basis. I don’t have a flat iron so I hang my clothes in the bathroom without wringing them to avoid crease; the drying process of course takes place only after excess water have completely dripped. That was the culprit why I was unable to have a sleepover in a house by the sea last Saturday. And then by the time I finish washing one batch, it’s time to cook.

Culinary chore takes longer for me here. I have learned to use the pressure cooker after giving up the first time when I couldn’t even seal the lid. A colleague from my NGO came to my flat one day to teach me how to press and turn the lid to close. It never fails to give me a start every time it whistles to let out steam. Four whistles indicate that the rice is cooked, wait for a couple more minutes till all the steam is released before taking the lid off, that is if you don’t want it to blow up on your face. It saves both time and LPG.

That gives me time to stare at the stuff in my fridge. What to cook other than rice is a test of patience and creativity. I have all kinds of masala (spices) in my kitchen but I don’t know which goes with what vegetable. Fish and other seafood are stupendously expensive in this coastal city; something about a dispute with Sri Lanka on territorial waters gives reason for fish sellers to peg a high price on them. And when I’ve had my fill, the sun has risen so high (with a normal temperature of 35 degrees Celsius) and discourages me to venture out as it takes half hour walk to get to the nearest bus stop. Unlike in Manila, the buses here don’t just load and unload passengers anywhere the drivers and/or the commuters please.

The other limitation is that most people taking the buses cannot speak English and the bus signs are in Tamil script. Sure I’ve learned to read and write, but my reading proficiency is of kindergarten level, one letter per 30 seconds. The buses don’t wait for more than one minute at the stops, imagine how far and how long the bus has left before I finish reading Velluchuram written in Tamil. And that’s not even where I am going. My Tamil vocabulary is also restricted to what my language teacher taught me, none helps in asking for directions. I can say, “Spencer Plaza naan po keerayn.” (I am going to Spencer Plaza). And then I get answers in Hindi. Who knows what they’re saying, might be ‘good for you’ or ‘what do I care?”. The good thing is that buses here are number coded, like buses with number 18 on the sign board are going to the High Court and passes Spencer Plaza.

Whenever I go out, I make sure to don western clothes. That makes people nice and helpful to me. I look like a northeastern Indian so if I put on Indian clothes, unless I open my mouth and speak, I’d probably be just ignored. The downside is the cost of fruits and vegetables instantly goes up when I’m the one buying. Last week I went to buy a few pieces of ordinary guava, less than half kilogram which cost me Rs,30. Shucks, you don’t even need fertilizer to make a guava tree bear fruit, and it’s a perennial fruit too. How could it cost that much! My colleagues said they could have gotten it at half the price. Aarrgh.

Still another limitation is I don’t have a local phone SIM yet. Two or three days after arriving to Chennai I bought a local SIM at Rs19 with lifetime validity. I availed of a promo that if I recharged (they call it recharge here, not load) with minimum of Rs50 plus additional Rs123, for one month all calls to the same network within the state is only 0.35 paise per minute and calls to same network outside the state of Tamil Nadu is Rs1 per minute. Not bad at all. Three or four days later, I couldn’t use my phone. Every time I dialed a number I get a recorded message that my line is temporarily suspended for non-submission of documents. Unlike in the Philippines, even the pre-paid SIMs have to be duly registered here; the Indian government beefed up security system after the Mumbai terror attack last year. Prior to that, getting SIM was as easy buying a piece of candy.

So it was that I lacked one document (a local referee) which I immediately produced. Another week passed still my phone wasn’t working. When I went to the retail shop, I was asked to provide 3 more ID cards. Ok, done. Another day, proof of my birthday was needed. I told them they could see the date of my birth in the passport. Convinced, they said I should fill up a form. And then today, they want another photocopy of my passport and visa, to have a proof of my address in Manila. Tsk! I wonder if they make an effort to be obnoxious or is it their gift. I ended up telling them to give me back my documents and I’d go to another network instead.

So you see, still unfamiliar with a huge city (population: 6 million) I dare not go out without a phone handy. However friendly people might be here, compared to Dehliites, there’s a language barrier. The only recourse I have when I wander too far off my intended destination is to call people from my NGO, who by the way would tell me to see this place or that but won’t tell me how to get there. Almost all of them have motorbikes so they don’t really know which bus would take me where. When I got lost the first time I approached the only person who looked like she could speak English, and she really could. When I told her I wanted to go to Spencer Plaza, she answered, “I don’t know, I am also new here.” She could have been as lost as I was but at least we understood each other.

Taking an auto-rickshaw would be far convenient but I’ve already gotten in too many arguments with rickshaw drivers since I arrived here (I got a lot of practice from the taxi drivers in Manila). Auto-rickshaws are tricycles to Filipinos but instead of regulated fixed fare they have meters, which never work. At least that’s what the drivers claim.

I am a person who values my space and privacy. When I was still staying in a hotel and I ordered coffee or tea they would make me wait for half-hour and then either of the three very young room boys, Suresh, Sadish or Ati, would ring the doorbell and forcefully open my door, if I left my door unlocked from inside they would brazenly barge in. And I’m not even telling about my half-consumed Cadbury dark chocolate I left in my room one morning and gone in the afternoon. At least one of them took out my garbage. And oh, I lost a 50-peso bill. Imagine that, what use do they have for it?

Now that I have my own flat, I have to be scrupulous with the things I store in my fridge. When colleagues come to check on me, they would inspect everything, my room, my shelf, what’s inside my fridge. I happened to find dried fish sold here (daing). I don’t know what’s with dried fish but it was news at the office that I bought it. “Oh, you bought dried fish huh”, one woman said. “Yes, she bought dried fish.”, the woman who inspected my fridge replied for me, and then a man who just happened to pass by butted in, “oh you bought dried fish huh.” Not to be mistaken as a grumble, I must add that when I ate the dried fish I felt itchy all over my body. It turned out I have to soak it in hot water for a few minutes and then rinse with tap water before frying it.

So you see, even as I attempt to write about the wonderful things about Incredible India, I can’t now. I am still trying to recover from culture shock. That in restaurants they use just one cloth to wipe sweat, dishes and kitchen counter is another story to tell. At this point, I must remind myself again that I am a volunteer in another Third World country. The term may be obsolete but I like to use it one last time only because it was Jawaharlal Nehru who coined that term. In spite of it all I am happy being here. India is an enchanting place. I know that in time I’ll be able to write about it and begin with “it’s an exhilarating day today in India’.

Battling with Isolation

2009-09-11T13:59:00.000+08:00

Cats and I are not friends, but the mosquitoes are my lifetime nemesis. Just when I thought I would have the most restful slumber since I arrived in India now that I have my own flat came this realization that in spite of the apartment being newly constructed, I am not its first occupant. Could it be that I moved here two days late of my original schedule the mosquitoes squatted here and decided they want to stay permanently?

I rushed to the nearest store to get a box of mosquito coils (25 pieces with 4 extra coils free). Never mind if I am contributing to the acceleration of global warming. After all the Indian government itself is not keen on reducing the country’s CO2 emission now or in the immediate future.

As I lay my back on my rickety bed that first Saturday night, an army of my archenemy started attacking me from all fronts. I had plugged in a mosquito repellant in my room but that didn’t work. Almost all night I alternately snoozed and swatted the mosquitoes. Until they became more than a nuisance that I resolved to stay awake and just watched them flit around till I drifted to sleep out of exhaustion. The morning after, I found several smudges of blood on my pillow. Apparently, I managed to retaliate in my sleep, but counted 26 bites in one arm and one leg. The number of course is conservative because I didn’t count the ones on my other leg and arm. Without a mirror in my house I didn’t become aware that I have bites in my face too until colleagues told me Monday morning.

Not far down from where I live is a river clinging to its last breath of oxygen to stay alive. It is home to life forms that don’t swim. Every time I pass there I no longer feign repugnance. The stagnant water gives off a repulsive stench that makes one’s stomach revolt. To nauseate is the next best thing to do. That’s where the mosquitoes are from I surmise.

Recognizing that I have to live with them for the next two years of my life I was better prepared on my second night. I shut all my windows and the lone door, sealed the hole in my kitchen wall (provision for exhaust fan) and lit a coil. I don’t know what those repellants are supposed to do, either kill those mosquitoes or drive them away out of my house. Whatever, they seemed to have worked this time. The army of mosquitoes that was there before was in short supply. But with all the air vents shut I then had to suffer from profuse heat.

But how could I fret about the more than 26 bites that dot my skin? What am I doing talking about this mosquitoes when some volunteers from my batch are still anxious about ever finding shelters they can call home for the next one or two years? At least I already have a home. Well, I have to have an excuse for the unexplained gloom I felt on the second night. I hate to admit but I think I have already entered that phase that most (or all?) volunteers go through at the early stage of service.

I became impatient when the day I had to move to my apartment came and I was still stuck in the hotel room for 2 nights more. Yet when I have settled, which I longed for, I was consumed with mixed of anticipation, isolation, helplessness. Albeit I only have the bare necessities, (a small coffee table with two chairs, a wobbly cot, a gas stove, a fan; the second-hand fridge will be shifted later), my flat now gives a semblance of permanence that elicited a hint of anxiety in me. Unlike when I was in a temporary accommodation, knowing I would leave soon I didn’t have to unpack all my stuff. It was like I could just flee anytime I wanted. I can’t now.

It seemed that that the decision I made 10 months ago was just beginning to sink in. That whoa, I’d live in an unfamiliar territory alone for twenty-four months! The volunteer nearest me is thousands of kilometers from here. It cannot be like the first month, when I was in Delhi, that whenever i experienced dismay for whatever reason the other volunteers were a just a room or two away.

But as I wrote this, it filtered deeper through my senses. Two years is a fleeting permanence. I might be in a place all so new to me, with mosquitoes that have the advantage of the terrain, but I am armed with commitment and determination. There’s no going back now. Time to forge new alliance with the people in the NGO I am now with. And when things become unbearable, I know the volunteers will send reinforcement one way or another. This is the choice I made, a new journey, a new sense of independence, a new battle in life… a new life. I am not allowing the mosquitoes or the sweltering heat defeat me.

Splat!!! another mosquito down. May it rest in peace.

some mental notes

2009-04-30T11:29:00.002+08:00

i miss blogging, too many bloggable things to write about but too little time to sit down and type away the words. i'm noting some down just so i don't forget.

april 15-19 - wider role of a volunteer training. exhilirating experience, albeit most of the topics discussed were sort of just a review as far as i was concerned. ahh, that volunteer spirit, one of the trainers got me to play a role so remote from my personality. thething is, role playing is one of the training methodologies i despise. check the modules and manuals i designed.

april 28, tuesday - armed to the teeth and ready to snarl at any one in the university registrar's office at the slightest provocation. wisdom got the better of me, lashing an acerbic tongue was not a better option to handle the situation. plus, the soft but reassuring voice of the person who attended to my desperation calmed me and stilled my tongue.

afternoon, same day - tested negative of HIV again. it's not news at all.

right to die

2009-03-13T16:10:00.008+08:00

something in the news this morning made me jerk as i lay on the couch half-asleep. a man jumped off the niagara falls. police and rescue officers were immediately on the scene. they extended a pole for the 30-something guy to grab but he refused and instead swam away. for reason that isn't clear as of press time the guy obviously wanted to end his life, he was heard shouting "get away, get away." and if i remember it right, the guy was semi-conscious when he was finally rescued by a helicopter pilot they call their 'angel'. he slid to total oblivion as they brought him to the hospital.

i imagine the extreme disappointment the man would feel when he wakes up and realizes the gleaming white surrounding isn't heaven but a hospital. just think about the gumption he had to muster and probably the sleepless nights spent planning his death put to waste. i don't know his reason, but i'm sure he has one.

i do admire the heroism of those people who are willing to risk their lives to save the lives of others. but what part of "get away, get away" didn't they understand? the man wanted to die, for pete's sake. while other people would run for their lives this guy swam FOR his death. immersed in near-freezing water, rampaging waves and still refusing any aid simply meant that he knew what he did and was very determined to do it. the rescuers knew that too, because the guy rebuffed all the efforts to get him out of the water.

my point is - and i'd better say it now before i get any flak for even writing this - i do believe that any person should be allowed to die at will. we didn't have a choice when we were born. could we at least have the choice to die?

i have a death wish myself so i could empathise with the thirtysomething guy. some think it strange, but i think that if a person feels that s/he has completed his/her purpose in life and is ready to come full circle then so be it. i am not a big fan of old age if there is no more point to growing old, allowing the skin to wither or the bones to brittle. in the olden days, a woman's life expectancy was only around 40 years, that's when she stopped ovulating and could no longer conceive. it's the scientific and technological advances that prolonged human life span way beyond the productive and reproductive years.

but not be misconstrued, people can't just die anytime. my take on this is that when one has reached the apex of the hierarchy of needs, when one is already content and happy, it should be his/her right to extinguish the fire in his/her life. or... when a person, no matter what he/she does cannot even go one notch higher in the same hierarchy of needs, and thinks his/her existence is just an exercise in futility.

this morning i thought again of why in spite of my death wish i am not suicidal. it is because i can't think of a glamourous way of dying. slash my wrist, na-ah, too gory. put a thick rope around my neck, nope. don't know how to tie a knot. overdose of sleeping pills..hmm, i will need doctor's prescription. jump off a cliff, arggh, don't want any bone broken. dive into the ocean... nah, i can't swim. and oh, my son won't get any benefit from my insurance if i ever committed suicide.

today as i mull over the news...since the death penalty has been abolished and not one soul who was allowed to use the death chamber did so at will, it could probably be turned from a dreadful place into a pleasurable retreat instead. and even generate income. make the lethal injection available to anyone who is qualified and willing to die. being qualified of course means they have to meet a few criteria. (for this purpose i will call the person suicidee referring to the person who wants to end his/her life) 1) suicidee must be of legal age to die 2) suicidee must not have outstanding financial obligations that may leave the suicidee's relatives laden with debts as a result of his/her passing. death cannot be an escape from debts. 3) suicidee has no dependents; 4) suicidee has undergone counselling, and with a certificate to prove it, 5) while consent of loved ones is not necessary, they must be informed of the suicidees decision. 6) funeral/interment has been pre-arranged and all expenses to be incurred are pre-paid; and, 7) the suicidee who has capacity to pay must pay. the income that will be collected will be used to maintain the death chamber. the managers of the facility will also allocate budget to allow those without the capacity to pay to still die.

idol ko si Kc

2009-01-06T14:30:00.002+08:00

from here

to here. soft pastel in paper

US Election Coverage

2008-11-05T10:31:00.000+08:00

As of 9:30 a.m. Manila Time, Nov. 5, 2008
CNN: McCain - 34 Obama - 77
Fox News: McCain-34 Obama - 69
BBC: McCain - 34 Obama - 103
Aljazeera: McCain 34 Obama - 103

Confession

2008-10-14T16:51:00.002+08:00

Fifteen years ago, i was dirt-poor by vocation. Despite belonging to the lowest rung of the economic ladder, i still had this penchant for eating, and i meant eating healthy. Because i was lactose-intolerant (by choice) i had to make sure i had calcium in my diet not necessarily dairy-based. I lived in a small bungalow with three housemates. We chipped in for food and other bills. I did the budgeting and so i had the prerogative to decide our daily menu.

Fifteen years ago, my part of the country was hit by El Nino phenomenon which made it very hot and dry, Pacific Ocean warmed up which caused phytoplanktons to flourish and contaminated several species of fish and other sea creatures I loved so much to gorge on. We got regular red tide updates to make sure people stayed away from eating shrimps, crabs and shellfish caught in specific bays. I particularly liked mussels; unfortunately mussels was regularly in the list of inedible shellfish. Red tide can be fatally toxic if ingested in large amount by eating contaminated creatures from the sea. So if you ate one, two or three shrimp, for example, you'd still be okay.

Anyways, i love mussels, not only because mussels are rich in calcium but because they're cheap. One evening, 15 years ago, i bought a kilo of that shellfish for dinner. A kilo of medium-sized mussels would get you more than 40 pieces. There were 4 of us in the house, so there was enough for everyone. When i served it on dinnertime E, a small guy with a big appetite and would eat anything served on the table commented when he saw what we were having that night, "isn't there red tide?". I quickly replied, "no, i checked the papers. Red tide alert has been lifted." He wasn't convinced at all. He said that two weeks ago there was still a ban on shellfish. That made the two other housemates hesitate to start eating. Sensing that, i said with feigned doubt, "if you don't want to eat, then don't. I will"

I put steamed rice on my plate and ladled a soup using the shell itself (trust me, that's the way to do it), then started munching the flesh. I have perfected my mussel dish and i knew that every time i cooked it, it was always a gastronomic experience for all of us. They began to follow my lead and soon enough empty shells were piling up in a spare bowl. We exchanged banters as we stuffed our stomachs with rice and mussels, sipping soup with the shells.

When we finished H, whose weight was assymetric to her height, brought out her cigarette to smoke. E started picking anything that stuck between his teeth. M drank coffee while ranting about his day. I was, however, not as jolly as i normally would be. I felt different that night. I was a little giddy. I thought my lips were swelling. I surreptitiously led my hand to my lips, touched to verify for myself if they were really puffing up. I felt tiny stabbing pains around my lips. "Uh-oh," i told myself while concealing every attempt to flinch, "could this be red tide poisoning?." No one noticed that i wasn't in my usual self. I looked at everyone, i tried so hard to discern if they like me, were experiencing secreted terror that maybe, just maybe, the mussels we ate were toxic.

After a while everyone stood up and did the nightly routine, M cleaned the table, H washed the dishes, E swept the floor. Because we have a policy that cooks never wash, I had the privilege to laze around while they all got busy. But I couldn’t get myself to relax with the guilt and terror in me combined. I was guilty that perhaps the ban on shellfish hasn’t really been lifted yet and I made them eat. Terror that we would not reach dawn and we’d all be stiff dead by the morning.

I wasn’t really certain of anything then, it could be that I was just scaring myself; what I was feeling might only be psychosomatic. I opted to keep mum that night so as not to start panic situation right there and then which might prove unfounded afterall. But I figured, that should there really be poisoning, somebody had to rush us to the hospital to get treatment just in case.

To arrest any appaling scenario sooner or later I went to the john. I genuflected in front of the toilet bowl, quietly I reached deep for my throat (it sounds dirty but it’s really not), depressed the inner end of my tongue to induce vomiting. Instantly I began to throw up, I let everything out till I could retch no more and could only taste repugnantly bitter bile. I washed up and went out of the john, saw my housemates ready to retire that night. We all went to bed, but before I finally allowed myself to drift to sleep I took a good loving look at each one of them. I reproached myself in advance. It was the most troubled sleep I had in all the years of my existence.

The morning after, barely awake I heard bustlings around the house. I peeked with one eye, unsure of what i might discover, I saw E whistling while he tinkered with the radio. H was outside yelling at him to get his dirty clothes so she could wash them. I rose and walked out of the room, found M reading the newspaper while sipping coffee with his feet propped on the center table. There they were, alive and energetic. I, with everything I ate thrown up the night before, however, was starving. E saw me and said, “oh you're awake, let’s have breakfast.” Our breakfast? leftover mussels.

Months later i confessed to E. "Shame on you, you would have let us killed" he said. I defended myself, "I didn't. I puked to no end to make sure one of us could act on an emergnecy. Besides, i starved the following morning." E laughed maniacally, ' We couldn't die. I knew there was no red tide."

Years later, i realized i am actually allergic to mussels.

Your Personality Type: The Reliable Realist

2008-09-04T11:16:00.002+08:00

Your Personality Type: The Reliable Realist

Reliable Realists are down-to-earth and responsible-minded. They are precise, reserved and demanding. Their most prominent quality is reliability and they will always make every effort to keep any promise given. Reliable Realists are more quiet and serious persons, they do not talk a lot but they are good listeners. They sometimes seem reserved and distant to outsiders although they often have a great deal of wit and esprit. Their strong points are thoroughness, a marked sense of justice, doggedness bordering on pigheadedness and a pragmatic, vigorous and purposeful manner. Reliable Realists do not dither about if something has to be done. They do what is necessary without wasting words.

This personality type not only expects a lot of himself but also of others. Once Reliable Realists have set their mind on something, it is difficult to persuade them otherwise. They do not like to leave anything to chance. Planning means safety to Reliable Realists, as well as order and discipline. They have no problem respecting authorities and hierarchies but do not like to delegate tasks. They are certain that others would not deal with them as conscientiously as they do. In management positions, they are very task-oriented - they make sure that things are well done; however, they do not have a great deal of interest in personal contacts at work.

In relationships too, Reliable Realists are reliability itself. As partners, they are faithful and consistent, well-balanced and sensible. Security and stability are very important to them. They have little time for extravagances and flightiness. Whoever has them as friend or partner can rely on them for a lifetime. However, it takes quite a while for Reliable Realists to enter into a relationship or friendship. They have little need for social contacts; they therefore take great care when choosing partners and friends and limit themselves to a small but exclusive circle which meets their high demands. They tend to show their closeness to people who are important to them by deeds - their partner should rather not expect romantic declarations of love.

Posted using ShareThis

conversation with a teen-ager

2008-08-21T14:14:00.006+08:00

i'd better post something new before anyone thinks i actually got sued and even arrested for tipping off the MMDA demolition team to the sidewalk vendors.

there have been a lot of things and events i had intended to write about the past month, but never had the time or the energy to do so. and then time just passed me by that emotions eventually petered out. one thing that doesn't go is how i would always be proud of my son's precociousness. truly he is an old man in a young man's body.

during my most recent visit to my son i was once again gobsmacked by his emotional maturity, just like in the other times when he shared his thoughts unexpectedly. and he's living up to the award he got in pre-school, 'most articulate' at a time when he didn't even know what it meant and couldn't even say the word correctly.

saturday, while we were lying in bed he abruptly sat up and blurted, "mommy, i have anger issue." darn, what was i supposed to reply to that one when i didn't realize i had anger issue myself until i was thirty-something! i was a bit disconcerted but i had to play the cool mom that make him open up to me. "what makes you say that?", i asked. "i easily get annoyed, i tend to react aggresively, even violently over superficial reasons." (he spoke in taglish but writing it here in english, still making sure the essence is not lost in my translation). "what are the things that annoy you and what do you do when you are annoyed?" i asked again, reminding myself that i'm his mom and not his psychologist.

he was so sure of the things he wanted to say, and didn't seem concerned that i would judge him at all. or perhaps he has already judged his actions, thus calling it an 'issue'. "simple things like when the internet connection is so slow, or when dillan [his cousin] is being a pain in the neck. i want to smash the computer, sometimes i want to punch dillan. when i feel that way, i walk out and punch the pillows instead" darn again, it did sound like an anger issue. then a brief moment of silence, he was probably expecting me to say something curt but brilliant.

all these years of single-parenting make me learn everyday how to be or not to be a parent. keep it short and simple, KISS, works well with teen-agers, and not the kilometric lectures on life. now i don't know if what i said next was brilliant, but i had to say to him, " it's good you recognize you have anger issue. you know what the problem is and soon you will know how to manage your emotions." "mommy, i need a psychiatrist." he retorted, partly joking. now that one made me smile. still not knowing what was best to say, i could only come up with 'lolo dad is a psychiatrist."

another brief moment and i shiftef to another role, this time the psychiatrist that he wanted. i did explain to him that people get frustrated over many things, some of it we are unable to express and find their way to the manner we handle things. recognizing that there is a problem is the first step, being aware of the symptoms and then finding out the cause. meantime, when we are unsure about what's causing the problem we can attend to the manifestations.

at this point i told him, 'when you start getting annoyed, try counting up to ten, while slowly breathing in and out." guess what he said, "mommy, i've tried that, it didn't work". and then, remember that i always play the cool mom so i said, "ok, try twenty " along with an impish grin.

then again i had to be serious and talk about the possible source of his anger issue. my son tells me almost everything that i am well aware of how he feels about being left by his biological father and years later by another person he considered his new dad. although i have told him that he should move on as i have, still it was difficult for him. unlike me, he never got to tell those people how hurt he was. and maybe, those people didn't even know how the boy was pained by their leaving.

how was i to make a child understand that a separation is never about the children? they are as badly wounded as the parents are during separations. but adults tend to get over the pain faster than the children do because they are the ones that caused them their pains in the first place. but the children, they didn't have any part of it yet they suffer greater and longer.

when kahlil and i talked, i had to tell him about my own anger issue which i had to eventually come to terms with by either surrendering to the fact that i can no longer undo the things that have happened, or by forgiving the people who caused me to be angry even without them asking for it. and i had to add that we could no longer change the past but he can still command his future. he did seem to understand.

sunday, when he went to attend mass, he prayed that he would be able to forgive. we are both not expecting miracle, (especially the atheist mom) but we both know that gradually he would be able to manage his anger and rechannel his energy to something positive. and with his maturity, i certainly believe that he will be able to transcend everything he went through. plus, i have to be always the cool mom and the friend that he has.

sue me

2008-07-07T19:11:00.003+08:00

on my way to work this morning, i saw sidewalk vendors near LTO along East Avenue frantically snatched their wares and scampered to i-don't-know-where. a truckload of MMDA demolition men were coming to sweep the sidewalks clean of hawkers peddling assorted goods, from ballpens to cigarettes to banana cue.

it was a thrilling scene to watch if not for the expressions on the faces of those vendors, a mix of fear and anger, and probably of exasperation. they know this is one of those routines when MMDA would round them up in an attempt to keep Metro Manila sidewalks clean. needless to say that they could be taken into custody but would be released later in the day. the vendors are probably more concerned that the goods their selling would be confiscated, they would go home without dough to bring home to buy food for their families.

when i reached my destination i got off the jeepney and alerted the first two vendors i saw that MMDA people were coming. in a flash, they stuffed their goods in big bags and fled for safety.

i could just walk straight past them, leave them oblivious to what was happening a few hundred meters away and be caught surprised once the MMDA is already right in fron of them. but i wouldn't enjoy the rest of my day when i know that had i chose to be indifferent, a few more mouths would not be able to eat today.

so there, sue me.

he's not my baby anymore

2008-07-03T23:35:00.002+08:00

just want to share this text message from my son:

mommy may bago
na q gf...:) plsz dnt
be mad...its not my
fault im
cute,...and...handsome
...and..u know the
rest...:)

darn, how can i afford to get mad???

torpid

2008-06-14T16:05:00.011+08:00

you've been staring at the laptop's screen quite long enough...., surfing through web pages, yet your scrollings don't even get you halfway down the page displayed. that's aside from the stacks of literature on your desk. you make a stab at taking one set and flipping the pages to look for something of import, you put it down again. take a glance at what's around you, it's not going to rain today. it's a good time to be working at the patio. thanks to a generous neighbor you can partake of the broadband connection.

the launchcast has been playing since you switched your messenger on; the r&b music eventually blended with the chirpings of the birds, the barks of your neighbor's pet, speeding tricycles, and the occasional "mommy, mommy" of the girl-child living in the next-door apartment.

you've been muttering words and phrases to yourself hoping they would cohere and arrive at an intelligible write up for your research. your mind wanders off every now and then, at times aimlessly. you shift to word each time a bulb in your head lights up; alt+tab, you scribble a few sentences then your mind goes blank again. alt+tab.

you stand up, walk with your hands around your waist, you notice the tip of your middle-fingers could touch each other. you smile, you realize the weeks of hardwork dancing along shanti's hip-hop abs video finally paid off.

you return to your chair, a stick of marlboro between your two fingers, you watch the smoke pollute the air, you mull over the chances of you getting lung cancer, but puffs anyway.

your mind drifts back to the research. you say to yourself, 'one good sentence, just one good sentence'. you think that one good sentence would get you out of the inertia. you remind yourself you only have four days left to finish a 200-page report. you sneer. you know it's a joke. but you need that silly joke to panic.

you are close to cursing yourself. it's almost 5 in the afternoon... you want to go to newsdesk later in the evening, have a bottle of beer. but you suspect you can't stop at one bottle. you hope a sound sleep follows the beer. but no, you don't want to sleep soundly, you don't want to snore. you want to dream about the research. you want that one good sentence.

you receive a text message, the sender knows you are not getting anywhere with your write-up. he says, "toink, good luck. hope to see you later."

your broadband connection...er, your neighbor's, start to act up. you are on the verge of losing connection to the outside world. now you panic. go back to word, you have no choice but to finish that research... at least, try to. alt+tab.

just need to get this off my chest

2008-05-21T17:39:00.007+08:00

i am not homophobic. i even have a lot of gay and lesbian friends. because i am posting this in my blog, i have the urge to stress that i respect people regardless of sexual orientation or gender preference and that i support their fight against discrimination.

last saturday i brought my son and my sister's kids to a resort for a day of swimming. since it was a weekend there were just too many people there. earlier that day we have already noticed 4 or 5 overexcited gays in mid- or late 20's, making their way through the entrance gate. we've lost sight of them after we settled in the cottage we rented. my son went to the pool as soon as he had dropped his things.

my son is 13 and is a good swimmer, plus i have checked that there were at least two lifeguards in every pool, so i was pretty sure he would be safe. he was in the wave pool while i and the other 2 kids were in the lap pool. minutes later my son came to us, he told me that the gays we saw earlier were asking for his name.

my son is not homophobic either. but these gays started to follow him everywhere which made him uncomfortable. he said they were asking volley of questions he chose not to tell me. kai transferred from one pool to another to elude them, even going to the deepest parts of the pool. unfortunately, they swam as good as he did. i saw the gays too. they were in skimpy swimsuits, two of them have grown breasts. they couldn't go unnoticed because they have been shrieking almost the whole time.

i tried to reassure my son that for as long as they were not getting their hands maliciously on him he was fine. since the gays were in hearing distance from us i said i'd confront them if they ever did anything nasty. they left after that.

later, my son went to the male shower room to wash up, minutes after my sister saw the gays went in the same shower room. much as i wanted to hold on to my manners i had to rush there. by the door i callled my son's name as loud as i could. there he was, standing in the shower room clasping his towel to his chest and looked anxious. he ran out as soon as he saw me said he didnt know how he could put on fresh clothes. he did tell me that when the gays arrived they told him they will take shower with him.

back in our cottage i asked how he felt, he told me he was terrified. "hindi ako galit sa mga gay mommy, pero wag naman ganun." it was only then that i realized how it has affected my son. i did notice that while he was in the pool he was unusually quiet and pensive. plus, he stayed near us most of the time.

we would raise hell when an adult male would trail a young girl everywhere. sadly, when it's gays who would do that, even in the clear view of eveyone people find it rather amusing, even ordinary. the gays were obviously on to my son but if they could follow him everywhere i dont think there was anyone among those who were near him bothered to tell off the gays to stay away from the boy. and in my case i had thought that for as long as they were not touching him no harm was done. (i'd like to be gender fair, but i can't think of cases of adult woman maliciously chasing young boys)

the incident at the resort made me regret that i was deferential to those gays. i maintain my trust and belief that it is not a trademark of the gays to be vulgar or indecent. but some just are. the unfortunate thing is that they think their being gay was a license to do just what they did. what they did is tantamount to harassment. what do the child rights advocate call that? my son is only 13. he didn't know how to fend off innuendos sexual in nature. even if the gays weren't to the extent physical they made a dent on my son's person.

taong grasa

2008-04-14T19:46:00.004+08:00

normally when i and kahlil see a taong grasa i would tell him not to stare. it isn't that i find them contemptible, but rather growing up in a mental hospital has somehow taught me not to make eye contact with someone who isn't in his or her right mind. assuming that the person could be hostile. i don't want to mess with someone who thinks he or she is being hounded by indescribable creatures. however, it's exceedingly judmental if i had to assume that a taong grasa is delusional. on the other hand, if the taong grasa has still managed to keep his sanity intact despite the kind of life he or she is compelled to live, to stare is impolite.

anyway, one night last week when i opened the gate to let our househelper in there was someone who had made herself/himself comfortably seated by our driveway. s/he perfectly fit the profile of a taong grasa. emaciated form, shabby hair, blackened greasy skin, tattered clothes on his/her back, with several distended rucksacks which i assumed contained all the trash amassed by foraging garbage cans. my immediate reaction was to hurry our househelp in and shut the gate, the taong grasa didn't even bother to look at me; s/he was looking at a faraway distance.

but then it was dark. the faint glimmer from the few stars in the sky could betray my assessment of who has decided that our driveway was a snug place to stay. then my not-so-young, sometimes indiscreet neighbor peeked at our window and and said in his usual roaring voice, "ate len, may loka-loka sa labas. doon na yata matutulog". to which i replied, "oo nga, nakakatakot no?" hearing it, my son, nephew, and niece by impulse dropped their joysticks and ran to the door to marvel at the sight of a taong grasa. i stopped them. somehow my neighbor's statement and mine plus the reactions of the children in the house struck the soft side of me. more than compassion, it was guilt i instantly felt for having judged someone as menacing. and as if i have been suddenly wakened from a deep slumber, i asked no one in particular if the taong grasa had already eaten.

our supper was still being cooked, i had to tell our helper to speed up the cooking so i could offer the unexpected visitor something to eat. in a few minutes the food was ready. i went out and opened the gate, the taong grasa was still there and turned to look at me. it was a woman.

taking a second look at her, it dawned on me then that she was not a taong grasa after all. her hair was shabby, her skin was black, her clothes were soiled. she looked tired and lost. her eyes seemed to tell me "can i stay here for a while?". she appeared to beg rather than apologize for being there. i asked if i could offer her food, "nakakain na po ako" she said. i asked if there was anything i could do for her, she declined to ask for anything except that she wanted to rest there. there was nothing else i could tell her, a mix of compassion and guilt engulfed me.

back in the house, i had wondered what i could do, what could i offer... did she need clothes? did she need a blanket? i told everyone in the house she isn't a beggar, and she was far from being scary. our househelper was infected by concern that she volunteered to go out to ask the woman.

the woman, as our helper had learned, came from caloocan. her house was being demolished along with other shanties in their community at that very moment. i could imagine the fight her neigbors put up to defend their dwellings and how defenseless she was that she opted to stay away. maybe she refused to witness how her tiny abode was ruthlessly crashed by demolition teams.

she lives alone, her husband is in masbate. she said she was going back to their area later in the night when the demolition has subsided. i didn't know why. i didn't know if she intended to salvage anything. i didn't even know if she still had a place to return to. i had wondered how she could go home. it was late and i assumed that where she came from was at least 10 kilometers from our place. she might not be a taong grasa but she looked destitute that i doubted if she would be allowed to get on a bus or jeepney.

our helper went out the second time to ask how she would go to caloocan, if she could take the bus. she said yes, but she would walk on her way home. she didn't say she had no money. she had 3 rucksacks with her, containing plates, pans, and a few clothes. either those were all her precious belongings or it was all that she could carry on her frail back as she rushed to leave her community.

our helper went out the third time, i gave her money to give to the woman. i knew that the amount was more than enough to get her home, but i didn't know where else it could bring her. what saddened and mortified me was that she tried to refuse taking the money. she said it was enough that we didn't shoo her away. our helper urged her to accept the little amount so she didn't have to walk home. she told our helper to thank me. our helper came back in and after a few minutes went out again to check if the woman was still there. she was gone.

it happened a week ago. this isn't the first time that i had offered someone a modest help that i could afford. but this is the first time that i feel contrite. i want to reproach myself for acting like i did, for being scared of how she looked the first time i set my eyes on her, for assenting with my neighbor that she was a crazy woman. for thinking that she would make a dramatic photo subject.

she didn't accept the food i gave because she's already had her fill. she wouldn't take more than she needed. she tried to refuse the money because she could still use her remaining energy to walk home. she could well take advanatage of all the help i to offer but she didn't. to me now, she is a woman who is trying to hold on to whatever is left of her dignity after being robbed of a roof over her head. who knows what else she has gone through, who knows what else she has lost. i feel i am a lesser person for judging her from the outside.

next time kahlil and i see a taong grasa, i would allow him to look... and look beyond what is seen from the outside.

last day

2008-03-31T20:15:00.005+08:00

it's our last day of work. and i mean LAST. it isnt a weekend; we aren't going for vacation... it's the exodus of the staff... the stream of funds dried out and there's no new project yet in sight that can accomodate all of us here. i dont know if anyone has packed his or her things yet, no one seems want to go. i don't want to go.

only six months of work and i've come to like the office, the people here. it isn't a second home, like the one i had before, but there's a feeling of comfort i feel being here.

last day of work. leonard's still working to the very end because the computer he' s using seemed to understand that after today it will be left idling in the second floor for some time. ate remy's pc is also acting up, she said it's co-terminus with her job. sharon went home to put her baby to sleep but said she's coming back later for unfinished business. (i doubt if she could though, it's almost 9 pm here).

everyone anticipated a send-off party today but no one really got up to start the party . left-over chips from last week's gender and od workshop remain untouched, the beer ran out quickly though.

i'm not being sentimental, i'm not even feeling sad or sorry. i guess this means only one thing, it isn't yet goodbye and we'll be seeing one another again tomorrow.

Yesterday

2008-03-18T12:21:00.002+08:00

On March 18, 2008 i drugged and dragged myself to work.... literally.

the interviewer got interviewed

2008-02-08T18:46:00.000+08:00

i've lost track of the number of people i have interviewed in the course of doing my job as a researcher. having done it continually for 10 years now, i have mastered the art of establishing rapport so i could get them to answer intriguing questions with confidence and trust.

this time around it's my turn to be interviewed... by a six-year old. i would call it an ambush interview, complete with the element of surprise. she came unannounced with her mom and dad holding a piece of paper, her interview guide, and sat next to me while i was trying hard to finish the proposal i was writing.

i didn't seem to have any choice, i love the kid and enjoy her company. her dad (allan) started setting up two video cams, her mom coached her on how to start the interview.

confident i could pull it off and knowing the procedures i asked what was the objective of her interview. she told me it's a school project. when all was set, i asked allan and malou to leave so we could start.

the interview was about multiple intelligence, only three questions. irene did the interview by the number. first was my name, second was the type of intelligence i use for my job (intrapersonal and people smart, i said)

then came the ultimate question "what did you do to make a difference in this world?" uhhhh.... what????? malou came rushing and coached me "tell her your job." so i did. "i am a researcher." (by the way, irene only speaks english). she didn't mask the disappointed look on her face. "You did not answer my question," she exclaimed as she leaned back with exasperation, "I will repeat, what did you do to make a difference in this world?"

i wish i could just tell her to read my blog but then the camera was rolling... i made several attempts to explain to her in simplest terms what i do, but i fumbled each time i tried and had to yell "cut" but she would immediately retort, "there's no cut here".

the interview was over in 10 minutes, both of us shaking hands with relief. when she went to the room she told her mom, "oh mommy, this is the worst interview i've done. tita len kept saying 'cut'!"

allan, malou and i were laughing after my ordeal i went through with my interviewer. allan consoled me by saying i shouldn't worry because it may be the worst but i'm the only one she has interviewed so far.

but irene isn't over it yet... she said, "oh mommy, i think i'll get a B- in this project."

disclaimer :-p

2008-02-07T19:00:00.000+08:00

that's been the buzzword here at the office these days. we've been using it a lot. we know so well how not to start a presentation, but begin the wrong way still. it isn't the culture... but every one is in panic mode that on a certain day that one has to present his or her own work we just have to have an excuse for half-baked products.

first heard it from leonard "raw data pa lang ha, wala pang analaysis", then ron's ....hmmm, can't recall at the moment, i think it was "wala pa kong powerpoint.."...allan's "4:30 am ko to ginawa ha.." mine was "monthly period ko...ayaw gumana ng utak ko".

the delivery and body language are crucial. fan yourself with your hand... deliver the line in between chuckles... look straight into the eyes (three pairs of eyes at the minimum)... or pretend desperately searching for the right file stored in the laptop.

this early, leonard is thinking of another disclaimer for tomorrow's presentation. nyahahahaha. i know he told me what his opening spiel would be but i opted to forget it so that my riposte won't sound rehearsed. i wonder what his body language's going to be.

and ooopps, that reminds me... i need a disclaimer myself... "depressed ako, ubos na mascara ko" while rubbing my eyes. the perks of being the only female. how can they refute menstrual syndrome and vanity? nyehehehe

nang sumingit ang demonyo sa kwentuhan ng diyos at ni agnostic

2008-01-30T19:47:00.000+08:00

so as i've learned with my moments with god, nasa loob ko din ang diyos. ano man ang naririnig kong sinasabi ng diyos when i pray are actually the things i wanna tell myself. ano kaya kung sumingit ang demonyo sa usapan...

diyos to agnostic (di2a): ano na naman ang naisipan mo at gusto mo pang pasalihin sa usapan si demonyo?
agnostic (a): (ngisi lang)
demonyo to diyos (dedi): at bakit? wala ba kong karapatang sumali sa usapan nyo?
di2a: binigyan mo ba talaga to ng permisong makisali sa tin?
a: (ngisi at naughty na nod)
dedi: nyenye-nyenye-nye
di2a: o sige, what's on your mind?
dedi: i know what's on her mind? (pa-rap) gusto nyang mang-asar pero di nya magawa
a: (ngiti na naman, may pailing-iling pa, pa-cute)
diyos to demonyo (dide): (calmly) sandali lang ha, pagsalitain mo muna sya
di2a: so ano nga ang nasa isip mo?
demonyo (de): (humming, tono ng gusto kong bumait pero di ko magawa)
a: wala lang, isip ko lang kung ano ang itsura ng usapang ganito.
di2a: tungkol saan?
dedi: o, kala ko ba diyos ka, bakit tatanong-tanong ka pa kung tungkol san. sus naman to!!! life syempre, yan naman lagi pinag-iisipan nyan pag kinausap ka eh.
dide: (naiinis) oo, alam ko, pina-process ko lang utak nya.
dedi: (nang-aasar) uy, uy, pikon na sya, hahahhaha
dide: hindi ah.
a: ah, excuse me lang sa inyong dalawa, blog ko to.
di: ah, yes, of course.
de: amen to that!
dide: amen?
dedi: o bakit? may copyright ka ba sa salitang "amen"?
a: magulo pala utak pag pinagsama mo demonyo at diyos ano?
di2a: pwedeng maging magulo pag di mo alam kung ano ang gusto mo. alam mo namang malakas ang tukso ng kasamaan. at pagdi mo alam ang gusto mo, guguluhin ka lang ng guguluhin ng kasamaan.
dedi: ako ba pinapatamaan mo?
dide: tinatamaan ka ba?
dedi: oo, pero di ako hurt. kasi di naman totoo. hmph!!
agnostic to demonyo (a2de): alin ang hindi totoo?
demonyo to agnostic (de2a): na guguluihin kita. aba, hindi ako nanggugulo ha.....well, at least, hindi lagi. pag minsan nakakacontribute naman ako sa pag-aayos ng mga bagay-bagay.
a: hmmm, tell me about it.
de: simple, lahat ng bagay may kabaliktaran di ba. sabi mo nga sa isa mong blog, life's full of contradiction. yung contradictions na yun ang nagpo-provide ng balance. it makes you appreciate life more. (diyos listening intently). isipin mo na lang ang diyos, pano ba sya nakilalang diyos? kasi may demonyo. how would you know if what you are doing is right? syempre dapat alam mo din kung alin ang mali. otherwise, wala lang lahat ng ginagawa mo. pano mo malalaman na ang feelings mo eh masaya kung di mo alam ang feeling ng malungkot? ganun lang, sus naman, mahirap ba yun?
dide: hay, kakambal yata talaga kita no? kahit kontra ka lagi.
dedi: you should be flattered. humans adore you because they despise me. kung wala ako, itsura mo lang! yun nga lang, second fiddle lang ako lagi. kesyo ang tao ay basically good, syempre sayo credit don. tapos pag may kasalanang nagawa , saka ako maaalala. masisisi pa. when it's merely human folly.
dide: well, it's you who said for a human to know what is right dapat alam din nya what is wrong.....
a: di ba kayo pwedeng magbati na lang?
de and di: (sabay) HINDEH!!!
di: pag pinagbati mo kami, end of our existence yon ano! di ka ba nakikinig sa paliwanag ni demonyo? tama sya.
dide: minsan talaga may saysay ka ding kausap.
de: talaga!
a2de: eh sabi mo minsan lang yung di ka nakakagulo. so kelan ka nakakagulo.
de: ah, that's the moment of my glory. when you weigh things carefully, madalas ang mapipili mong gawin yung maganda at tama. pero, pag nagmadali ka lagi sa pagdedesisyon or kung masyadong selfish ang reasons mo, ang laki ng chance na magkamali. ang laki ng chance na marami kang masasaktan, ang laki ng chance na maraming maghihirap. eh di magulo. eh di happy ako pag ganon.
a2de: sabi ni diyos minsan one has to be selfish in order to survive.
di2a: sabi ko ba yon? di ba realization mo yun?
de: i agree. one can't be completely unselfish and and still arrive at a decision that's best for everyone. depende naman sa situation. minsan para maging tama ang decision mo you have to consider other people's interests first. minsan naman, you have to be selfish and forget about others because you need it for yourself. iba din naman yung alam mo nang mali yung ginagawa mo at may nasasaktan but you still go on believing that it's what's going to make you happy. tapos dedma ka lang. lalo na kung sinabi na sayo ng ibang tao that you are doing the wrong thing but you still insist, unremorseful even. well, at least pabor yun sakin.
di: there are times when you have to be selfish because it's what's going to be beneficial for everyone, maybe not soon but later. may caveats syempre, pwedeng may mag-suffer as an immediate consequence of your decisions and actions.
a2di: how will i know if what i'm doing is good or bad? right or wrong?
di: your conscience will tell you. what were your intentions? the people around you will tell you. balikan mo mga pinag-aralan mo sa human rights, the universal values.
de: you will never know that what you are doing is wrong and bad unless tanggapin mo sa sarili mo na nagkakamali ka din. pride my dear is a deadly sin remember? kahit nagkakandaloko-loko na ang buhay mo and still don't admit na may weaknesses ka din, that you are not perfect, hindi mo pa rin malalaman na nagkamali ka. you'll always find people to blame for your miseries. but your life will be hallow. mababaw din lang ang magiging kasiyahan mo. makakangiti ang labi mo pero hindi ang mga mata.that's how i thrive my darling agnostic. i don't thrive from people's mistakes. i thrive from people's refusal to correct their mistakes and to make amends with people they had animosity. bongga din kung may humihingi na ng tawad at may ayaw magpatawad. pride is my best friend.
a2de: pito ang deadly sins di ba?
de2a: iisa-isahin pa ba natin? pride, gluttony, envy, sloth, lust, greed, wrath. aren't they all related? all are sins, all can be deadly figuratively and literally. but as i have said, gawin mo lahat yang kasalanan na yan then sincerely atone in the end. try to realize na mali ka and everything will be wiped away. i mean, aminin mo na kasalanan yang mga yan and things can get better for you. otherwise, let's party in hell.
dedi: o, tahimik ka?
dide: parang nakalamang ka kasi sa mga paliwanag mo eh. so ang pinapalabas mo eh kung hindi dahil sayo eh walang maniniwala sa kin. ang sama mo talaga, nang-agaw ka ng credit. eh di ba sa bibliya ako ang gumawa ng lahat? haller... fyi, lumabas ka na lang sa eksena nung nabuo ko na si adan at eba.
dedi: onga pala no. pero teka...di ba nung kinain ni eba at adan yung forbidden fruit eh nagkaron sila ng wisdom at nalaman nila that i exist pala.
dide: pakialamero ka kasi eh.
dedi: bakit binawal mo ipakain yung prutas? dahil ayaw mong malaman nila na nag-eexist ako.... sabi mo nga kambal mo ko, so sabay tayong sumulpot sa mundo, eh bakit ayaw mo kong makilala nila? di ba masama din yun? hmp, at least ako nang-agaw lang ng credit, ikaw nangsosolo.

fast forward: i wrote this over 2 years ago. i had to stop at that point of the conversation. one, the conversation between god and devil became too personal and they were already questioning each other's existence. (i'm the one supposedly questioning their existence) two, they forgot about me. three, the devil was beginning to look good, and that wasn't my idea. four, i declared a month later that i am an atheist.

puke or poke

2008-01-09T18:57:00.000+08:00

him: do you plan to get drunk this evening or what?
her: no plans. just hang out with an old friend
him: i'd like to get drunk if i could
her: i don't like being drunk... because i puke every time
him: i get horny when i'm drunk.
her: men always do.
him: some women i know too
her: so do you like being drunk because you get horny? or do you like being horny that's why you get drunk?
him: neither. horniness happens while getting drunk, it's not the reason to get drunk. it's a side effect. don't you get horny when drunk?
her: nope. it's hard to be puking and fucking at the same time.
him: so, looking forward to that drink?
her: not the drink, just the company.
him: well you know the number to call if you get drunk and horny
her: there's a hotline for horny people?
him: of course. you get drunk and you call the horny hotline. prevents you from puking.
her: oh. so what's the number?
him: (grin)

quickie post

2008-01-08T18:14:00.000+08:00

i still can't contain my exhiliration i just have to make this post to immortalize the different kind of high i'm feeling right now. after a two-day evaluation and marathon planning, half the staff rushed to UP to watch their centennial celebration. i was there specifically for the skydiving exhibition. this is why i am so happy... if i can't skydive at least i got to watch it up close and even got to meet two paratroopers, andrei and john. well, i met them... they didn't meet me. doesn't matter.

john and andrei are from the Philippine National Police Special Action Force; jumped from an altitude of 4000 feet, 10 second freefall then the parachute opened up, landed in less than 10 minutes.

the curse of the taco

2008-01-02T12:24:00.000+08:00

I wanted tacos, mixed green salad, asparagus soup, and self-styled spaghetti sauce for Christmas. I went to Shopwise, December 23 for last-minute shopping. I deliberately picked out every item I put inside my cart, carefully recalling the mental notes I made to ensure I had everything I needed and nothing I bought would go to waste. Except for the fresh basil leaves which were unavailable that day, I was able to complete my short shopping list in no time.

Back home, unpacking the groceries I realized I got nacho chips instead of taco shells. There was no way I could go back to the supermarket to get them so I just re-imagined the Noche Buena and thought of what use could the nachos chips be. An hour before midnight when almost everything was ready, including a taco filling that would still go well with the nachos and that the kids in the house were looking forward to, the box of nachos was nowhere to be found. We looked everywhere, even under the Christmas tree where presents were stacked one on top of the other but it had vanished without a trace. To remedy the situation I rushed to the nearest convenience store and got cheese flavoured tortillas to replace the nachos. Everything I prepared for Christmas was a hit both to the family and to the guests, especially the spaghetti sauce. The tale of the taco shell and the missing nacho chips made each dish more delectable, them knowing what they missed.

Thirtieth of December, I went back to Shopwise to get the things I would need for Media Noche this time. Still pining for, I bought two boxes of Taco shells (carefully read the label… yeah, it really was taco), just in case I lost one box on the way to my hometown. And also this time, I got the fresh basil leaves. And oh, I bought my dad a jar of Korean kimchi. My mom loves my buttered tuna that is best with asparagus so I bought her quarter of a kilo of asparagus spears. Bro likes cherry tomatoes which are pretty expensive at this time of the year but I bought them anyway. I purchased two bags of arugula and mixed greens that’s best with Italian dressing (ahh, on second thought, arugula and balsamic vinegar are the perfect match).

My very handsome and gorgeous, beautiful, exotic, wild, uncontrolled, untamed, conceited, crazy, blood-thirsty, maniacal teen-aged son (which is not true, except for the handsome and gorgeous, beautiful part) was with me so we took the opportunity to get him his vanity essentials. Because this is a season of plenty I bought myself 6 bottles of Fit ‘n Right to help in my digestion as I expected to pig out on New Year’s day. And because Shopwise is a one-stop shop I found a reading lamp meant for my sister who every time she opened a big box of Christmas present blurted “sana reading lamp, sana reading lamp” but there was none among the almost a hundred gifts she received. Dinner tonight would be traditionally Filipino, tinapa (smoked fish), salted egg and tomatoes. Everything fit in the ‘I am not plastic’ bag that doubles reward points for Shopwise card holders.

On the way out of the supermarket we passed by the food stalls, one of which was selling kwek-kwek (deep-fried hardboiled quail egg coated with orange-coloured cornstarch) and day-old chick. I love anything exotic so I bought some to take home. On the cab back home, I detected in the pale face of the middle-aged driver that he was famished so I offered the quail egg. He got 3 pieces of kwek-kwek. He got curious with the day-old chick and tried one. It was his first time to have a taste of it and liked it. By the way he gobbled up everything I was certain he was way past his mealtime. True enough, he said he was about to have supper when we flagged his taxi. He offered me and my kid a candy but told him to keep it for himself, I said we were fine because as soon as we got to the house we could cook, while he had to keep on driving for at least another 5 hours.

We reached home, my kid struggled to get his newly acquired bike out of the cab while I settled our fare. I got off the taxi and wished the driver happy new year. He thanked me for the food I gave him. As soon as the taxi left two boys in their teens approached me to sell potholders and doormats made of cloth scraps. They came all the way from Cogeo, Rizal so I couldn’t bear not buying doormat and potholder at P25 and P20 respectively. I handed them extra P20 pesos each, after all it is the season of giving.

I forgot to say that my kid and I had coffee at Starbucks while waiting for his bike smartened up and before we went to the supermarket. We had a pleasant tête-à-tête.

So everything was well. At home, feeling good about bonding with my kid, sharing the kwek-kwek with the cabbie and buying something I didn’t need from the two teen-aged hawkers I decided it was time to prepare dinner. Dinner? Huh, where’s dinner? I left my grocery in the trunk of the taxi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The taxi had long been gone before I realized I actually forgot to get my grocery out of the trunk. It is so frustrating and so humiliating how I, who takes a cab everyday and never forgets to note down the taxi franchise name and operator’s telephone number and never forgets to check all my things before getting off, ridiculously forgot to note down the franchise name and operator’s telephone number and stupidly forgot to check I had all my things with me before letting the taxi leave.

Geeez. I no longer knew how it felt to be heartbroken until now. Everything I wanted for New Year’s day was there in the ‘I am not plastic’ bag. I had wished hard Mr. Cabbie would immediately discover there was something in his cab that belonged to me.

My sister when told about it said she’d treat me to a nice dinner to recompense my ill feelings. But like any broken-hearted person I was so devastated, couldn’t eat, couldn’t concentrate, my mind wandered off. My son, nephew and niece were pitting wits with one another around the dinner table but they barely infected me with their giggles and laughter . I was forlorn. In the restaurant, we positioned ourselves where we could see the street while dining, I craned my neck every time a taxi passed by. I knew I would recognize which cab it was if I ever saw it again. But he never came back.

As I typed this, Kai snuggled up to me and snatched the laptop from me, thus the red italics. As usual, he summarized all my feelings tonight. “That’s 2000 pesos down the drain, Mommy.”

There goes the curse of the taco.

sot

2007-12-17T19:13:00.000+08:00

i need an image makeover. new friends and acquaintances have this impression that i am alcoholic, or at least, "malakas uminom". i dont know what in my countenance gives them any hint that i drink heavily (4 bottles of san mig light, max, drunk or not) and habitually (i come to their minds when they think of beer). it's not even in the list of my hard habits to break.

language barrier

2007-12-12T19:28:00.000+08:00

eto ang napala ko sa sa pagsign-in sa blogger.com habang nasa indonesia. di na kami amgkaintindihan ngayon ng blog ko.

"Komentar pada blog ini dibatasi untuk anggota tim.
Anda saat ini log-in sebagai len. Anda tidak dapat memberikan komentar dengan account ini."

hard habits to break

2007-12-12T14:32:00.000+08:00

some things i just can't kick...

1. aling viv's binagoongang baboy.... won't top my mom's recipe but close
2. hot morning baths.... or no bath at all, haha
3. marimar... while it lasts
4. waterproof mascara.... also, while it lasts
5. taxi ride back home ... kick the habit and i'll save P200 pesos a week
6. the suite life of zack and cody... never mind if every week's episode is a rerun of a rerun of a rerun of a rerun...
7. two to three cups of coffee at work... no reason to sleep at work
8. paying bills... when will they ever stop coming??
9. lashing my acerbic tongue.... when someone gets too annoying
10.smoking... duh

Indifference

2007-12-03T19:09:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I was being engulfed by political apathy, or was I simply suffering from hang-over that day the Magdalo walked out of the Makati RTC, marched on the streets of Makati and sieged the Peninsula Hotel. They called for change, vowed no retreat no surrender as they holed up in the posh hotel.

As I sleepily lay on the couch, tv on, Eat Bulaga airing, GMA-7's breaking news got me on my feet to turn the tv's volume up. GMA-7 doesn't just interrupt a high-rating program if it weren't of national interest. It started with intermittent breaking news until finally Eat Bulaga was completely cut off the air and a full coverage of the Makati incident was on.

The spectacle that was to be known later as the 'Makati Pen Siege' was reminiscent both of Oakwood Mutiny 2 (?) years ago and the coup d' etat some 20 years back. Instead of the high-maintenance yuppies treading the streets of Makati, soldiers wearing camouflage uniforms dominated the scene. Flashy cars were conspicuously out of sight, instead there were military trucks and anti-personnel tanks parked in Makati and Ayala Avenues. The difference between the 1997 coup d’ etat and the Oakwood Mutiny was that the former was teeming with curious civilian onlookers, known then as uzis. Makati Pen Siege was more like Oakwood, there were no bystanders ducking at every shot of a rifle and immediately sticking their noses up even before the smoke coming from the guns died out.

The siege was over in less than 12 hours. Magdalo soldiers surrendered so as not to risk the lives of their civilian supporters (including an 81 year old catholic bishop and the 70 year old former vice president) and media people trapped in one of the hotel's function rooms at the second floor, after a number of tear gas bombs were detonated.

As I watched the news, drifting on and off to sleep I anticipated text messages calling for the Filipino people to mass up and express support for the Magdalo soldiers. There was none. I realized later in the evening that network coverage was erratic. (a.m. messages started pouring in late in the evening which made me miss a lot of important work-related texts).

I remember when Justice Davide, in 2001 (?) uttered the historic “the no votes have it” cellphones started beeping telling everyone to gather at the EDSA shrine. That triggered the spontaneous and instantaneous rally that ousted yet another president. I was then itching to take the first public vehicle to bring me to EDSA. But I was immobilized by the throbbing pain in my breast as I had just been under the knife a day earlier.

This time there was no text message. The only thing I got were two almost identical messages after the soldiers, their supporters and media people were hauled to the buses that would take them to Bicutan. The essence of the two texts was a call to “Free Bishop Labayen.” one said “GMA RESIGN” at the end of the text. The second text had the same message but omitted the call for the president’s resignation. That was it. The text messages didn’t say what actions should be taken to free Bishop Labayen.

I had wondered earlier on if the staged walk-out could be the kind of action that would trigger the Filipino people to march up to the streets again and call for the long overdue political upheaval. But even then I knew I was not going to be part of that mass action should there be one. The most I planned to do was to forward whatever text I might receive that day to anyone who might be interested and then proceed to the scheduled swimming lesson the following day.

The curfew imposed that night had a chilling effect on me, though. That night, my sister was out and was not expected to be home till 2 am, while my son had a foundation ball and the curfew would definitely cut short the fun. With the dramatic action at the Makati over, I went back to sleep.

I am no political junkie, but neither am I an uninterested bystander of this country. I did get to join the People Power 2. I expressed immense interest during the People Power 1 but was too young to be allowed to go out, aside from the fact that I came from a family of Marcos loyalists. And I remember tagging along my older cousins to join a noise barrage in support of Ninoy Aquino further back in 1978.

This time around though I wondered to myself why I didn’t have the energy and the passion to go out and join mass actions. I did receive several text messages the following day, from cellphone numbers unlisted in my phonebook, summoning concerned individuals to gather at EDSA and express dissent. Dissent for what? I wasn’t sure.

I definitely want to see this country progress. I want better national leaders. I want a stop to every act of corruption and I want accountability for the sufferings of the majority of Filipinos. But there was something in that Makati Pen Siege that pushed me to some sort of indifference.

During the rest of that (un)fateful day I was wondering what was the siege about. Why did they walk-out of the court? I remember that the very first word I heard from the breaking news was “junta”, then there was the ‘caretaker government’. I heard Trillanes say “we have a plan” after being asked who they had in mind to oversee the caretaker government.

Trillanes’ voice reverberated in my thoughts and even followed me to dreamville. Who will take over the leadership of this country is one question that I have heard many people say a determining factor of their action or inaction. That has never been my question. I personally believe that the country is not lacking in genuinely sincere and decent leaders. And I also personally believe that whoever is there to lead the Filipino people is good enough, so long as he or she is legitimately and duly elected or catapulted to the seat by the people.

The Makati Pen Siege was one chance that could have mobilized Filipino people to finally take a stand for the umpteenth time against a government that abandoned its supreme duty to serve the people. But I wondered where the people were. Where was the vocal opposition? Where were the perennial protest action organizers? Where was the Catholic Church? Where was everyone? I was pretty sure they were monitoring the developments of the siege. I was certain they were not being apathetic like me. But why weren’t they there?

I know why I was not there. It is not entirely apathy that has engulfed me that day. It was uncertainty. It was fear. To hear the word “junta” at a time when bloody crackdown of pro-democracy marches in Burma remains lucid in our memories could bring chills to one’s veins. I don’t like our government now. But I don’t like a military junta either (albeit, I wonder if what we have now isn’t a junta in disguise). My inaction was not an act of choosing the lesser evil.

I do understand that there is a need for change, a change that should have occured long before the discovery of the "Hello Garci" tape. But this one siege is something I didn't understand. All indications showed that it was planned. What happened in between is something incomprehensible to me. My inaction was not apathy, but a lack of understanding of what was truly happening that day.

This could have been one chance for change that ended in vain. I don't know if others would regret one day that the day was not seized, but surely they have their reason. I have mine.

PANIC MODE

2007-11-24T16:35:00.000+08:00

my wish to be unemployed never came true. now i'm in panic mode again because of the upcoming national conference. funny thing is i am happy in spite of all the pressures.

another funny thing is that i am still able to post here now, albeit with furrowed brows. too many things still have to be done. don't know which one of the last-minute preparations should i do first.

reasons to panic:

1. the contents of the conference kit have yet to be photocopied.
2. still lacking one more reactor for the case presentations
3. flight bookings that need to be changed
4. transport strike on monday
5. kai's semi-formal attire for their foundation ball. tsk, tsk.

2007-06-21T15:26:00.000+08:00

My Lakbayan grade is B-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.'>http://

My Lakbayan grade is B-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

31 may 2007

2007-05-31T12:25:00.000+08:00

kaninang alas-onse y media ng umaga hindi ako makapagtrabaho kasi nahihilo na ko sa gutom. ngayong alas-dose y media ng tanghali hindi pa rin ako makapagtrabaho dahil masakit ang tiyan ko sa sobrang kabusugan.

throwing caution to the wind

2007-05-27T09:26:00.000+08:00

I first heard it from a cousin-in-law, that she was looking forward to joblessness and I envied her. After all, even if it was over ten years ago, who could afford to be unemployed when the cost of living was (and still is) continuously rising. This time it’s my turn to say, “I’m looking forward to being jobless.” I don’t think anybody envies me now. Our difference is that she had a husband who was earning more than she and her two kids needed, while I have a kid I am raising all by myself and no filthy rich husband or partner to depend on.

I’m probably not in the best state of mental health to be excited about joining the already high statistics of the unemployed and without a government social protection program that can help me still live a decent life while in between jobs. It’s going to be an adventure like no other. Being adventurous nowadays isn’t really sane, especially if I have to think of my son’s education and meet the growing demand of a metrosexual teenager. But there’s just a feeling of optimistic anticipation swelling inside me day by day.

I haven’t figured it out just yet but I intend to take a respite from working so hard in the past 12 years and striving so that I could earn more than what I and my son needed. It’s still too early to be exhausted from work and to have that burnt-out feeling but I am already there.

It isn’t good news for my son who has this persistent belief that we are in the middle of the economic stratum. It will surely disappoint him when he realizes that I (without consulting him, that is) decided to go one or two rungs lower down the economic ladder.

The hope I am leaving him is that this is just a temporary attack of insanity. I would simply like to experience the pleasure of reproductive work for one month. A week of getaway outside the city or the country, depends on what my financial and time resources would permit me, and the rest of the month attending to him. I will have to unearth the recipe book buried somewhere in the house and serve home-cooked dishes. I thought of doing manual laundry work, but with the pain I have on my left shoulder right now which I got from sliding five steps down the staircase at FDC yesterday, I see no delight in imagining it at the moment. I’d like to have the time to help him with his lessons; play monopoly or chess with him…. and listen to his stories.

If there’s anything good about all this now, it’s that I’ve stripped myself of anxiety of the future. It’s not entirely the i-don’t-care-just-go-with-the-flow attitude but the rigors of always making sure things are going to be okay and within my control, have in a way prevented me from doing quite a number of things I wanted to do in the past. Plus the dreadful insecurity of being cashless, the inability to go to the grocery on a whim just because Hunt’s pork & beans ad made me salivate or run to Dunkin’ Donut’s because it’s worth the trip…

So this time around, I’d like to liberate myself from all those concerns. I wish not to fret about not having enough in my bank account and just devote time to my kid.

soliloquy

2007-05-23T22:52:00.000+08:00

sabi ng isang ka-opisina ko dun sa isa ko pang trabaho bilib daw sya sa mga nagba-blog... ibig daw sabihin eh marami silang time na naii-spare. gusto kong um-aray dahil sa halos araw-araw na pagsusulat ko ng posts two years back. eh hindi ko naman alam kung ang "bilib" na yun eh positive comment o short of saying na wala silang trabaho or pabaya sila sa trabaho nila.... kaya dedma na lang ako, either way, hindi ako flattered o guilty. mas guilty pa yata ako ngayon na hindi na ako nakakapag-post. nakakasawa daw mag-blog sabi ng isang kaibigan ko. sabi ni richie tinatamad sya, sabi ni i. eh di ma-access ang blogspot sa pakistan. sabi naman ni yhen, "len, ang tagal mo nang walang post."

may excuse ako, ang hirap mag-access ng blogspot ngayon. last time i tried to log in eh pinag-create pa ako ng google account at sa dalang kong magbukas ng blogs ngayon eh nalimutan ko username at password ko.

madami-dami na din akong naisulat, ayun inaamag sa mga journals ko at yung iba eh nasa laptop na kahit bitbit ko halos araw-araw eh puro trabaho naman ang naaatupag ko... at yun eh kung hindi ako naglalaro ng zuma at ng isang pang game na hanggang ngayon eh "kaboom" ang tawag ko dahil never kong nalaman kung ano talaga title nung game.

di bale, isang araw makakapag-post ulit ako. hopefully ngayong gabi.

letter

2007-03-21T18:02:00.001+08:00

today i received an old-fashioned letter, handwritten, sealed in an envelope, stamped and mailed through the postal office. it came along with the monthly posts i receive bearing the bills i owe credit card companies.

in this age when everything from jokes, to prayers, to greeting cards, to pictures, to love letters, hate letters and chain letters (threatening you that if you dont send it to so and so number of people you are cursed for life) are sent electronically it is a breath of fresh air to receive something with a very personal touch. something you know a great deal of energy was invested.

unlike electronic mails which you cannot access unless you have a computer by your side, and easily throw away with a click of a mouse (okay, two clicks, because you always get to asked if you want to delete the file permanently... and gosh, it is so generic... everything is called "file") an old-fashioned letter is something you can put in your bag, or slip under your pillow and read, and re-read, and re-read. and that everytime you do your lips break to a smile... ahh, i do read and re-read my credit statements but i frown each time i see my bills.

the old-fashioned letter doesn't reach you overnight, especially if it was sent from the other side of the planet and with a local stamp that would probably get it only as far. you would be surprised if it ever gets to you at all. but it's worth the wait. there's a thrill in opening the envelope whether you use a letter opener or you just tear one side and hurriedly (or unhurriedly, depends on how excited you are) take out the piece of paper tucked inside... wondering what kind of paper was used, wondering even whether the paper is scented or not. :-)

call me sentimental, call me outmoded. i may be behind the times, but i am still delighted. in this age when everything is digital, electronic, instant and impersonal... you feel a different kind of high, and oddly complimented when you get a painstakingly handwritten letter....

and unlike electronic mails when i can simply click "reply" i am going to write back in an old-fashioned way.

sapatos

2006-12-14T17:10:00.000+08:00

may nami-miss akong sapatos. maganda, matibay, di kamahalan dahil sale nung nabili ko, at laging nababati ng mga nakakita ng bagay daw sa mga paa ko.

sayang, wala na yun. hindi yun naluma o nasira. ipinatapon yun. hindi na umabot ang sapatos sa stage na kailangan kong i-dispose dahil sa di na pwedeng magamit. napaaga ang pagkawala dahil ayaw ipagamit sakin ang sapatos na yun.

bawal. dahil everytime daw na suot ko ang sapatos na yun ay may babalik daw na hindi magandang ala-ala.

sayang, hindi naman tiyak kung aling sapatos ang may 'pangit' na ala-ala, at kung ano man yung pangit na alaala eh di ko maintindihan. basta lang merong sapatos at kailangan ko daw itapon. sana pumili na lang ako ng ibang sapatos na di ko masyadong gusto at nagpanggap na yun ang sapatos na dapat ko daw itapon. pero ayaw kong mang-gago, baka balikan ako ng karma. kaya sige na lang... para walang away.

dati namang walang ala-ala, maganda man o pangit, yung sapatos na yung pag sinusuot ko. kasi katulad din lang yun ng iba. katulad lang ng mga iba ko pang naging sapatos na kapag hindi na magamit, nasira o nawala na sa uso eh nakakalimutan ko na.

eh ngayon, bukod sa nanghihinayang ako dahil di ko na yun maisuot, may masama pang alalang iniwan!!

sayang ang sapatos na yun, matino pa naman yun.

ayun sya o, actually sandals sya, may picture pala ko na suot ko yun, buti na lang naghalukay ako... yehey.

ankle bracelet, etc.

2006-11-06T14:22:00.000+08:00

paul wears ankle bracelet. it's not his fashion statement but he has to wear it 24/7 for a definite number of days. as of this post, he's got 11 more days to go before he's allowed to take it off. just can't go anywhere yet. :-)

patita's got rosy cheeks... new lease on life after blood transfusion... damn mosquitos scaring the shit out of all my family.

kakai heard mass yesterday, the power was cut off in the middle of the priest's homily which delighted kakai because he was starting to get bored. i asked if he prayed, he said yes, "i prayed all dengue-carrying mosquitos die" :-)

madhav figured in a car accident two weeks ago. his car toppled over, surprisingly he only suffered minor scratches. dont die without telling me or i'll kill you, ok?

julie sang again last week, she's getting her singing voice back which she supposedly lost after hysterectomy. :-)

i'm reconnecting with high school classmates and batchmates after 22 years. seeing their latest pictures i hardly recognize anyone... and i realize i didnt have a real bestfriend back then.

kahlil one day before he turned 12

2006-10-16T15:19:00.000+08:00

On Children (Khalil Gibran)

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

max's restaurant (the house that chicken built)

2006-09-15T09:50:00.000+08:00

my output from the roundtable discussion i attended in lipa city, batangas

my mommy

2006-07-18T10:54:00.000+08:00

i've been my mom's daughter for almost 4 decades now. i can't tell exactly how many years because there was a time when i stopped being a daughter to her. thanks to kahlil gibran's "the prophet" (your children are not your children, they're the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself....). but she never stops being my mom.

i don't have much recollection of how it was when i was still a child. she's been a career woman ever since i can remember. we practically grew up with nannies. and although she did spend quality time with us when i was still a child i thought she didn't do much as a mom. but i didn't resent it. never. i just thought that she was atypical.

i didn't hear stories of her childhood or how she and my dad got together. and i don't remember my mom saying "i love you" to anyone of us siblings.

of the few recollections i have: my mom used to rub my hands with sugar or vinegar to make them smooth. she still thinks up to now that i have hideous hands. i also remember how, exhausted from day's work, she stayed up all night with me as i sat on a basin of warm water to cure my urinary problem. or how she taught me to use sanitary napkin when i had my menarche. it's only when i became a mom myself that i realized and appreciated those things she did for me, to me, and with me.

when i decided to devote my life to activism all she asked was if i was ready to leave them, which i answered with a question, "are you ready for me to leave?" my mom knew from the start that if i made a decision there was no stopping me. and so she let go.

not so many years later, i was back to being her daughter. i started visiting them in the province. from then till now she looks forward to my visits. she always cooks my favorite dishes. after all, i am the prodigal daughter.

i guess the years that separated us has somehow put her in a time warp. i've already metamorphosed from a bratty child who abhored chores to a responsible and independent mom (but still hates some household chores). to this day, when she asks me or i offer to do something for her she never fails to give me step-by-step instructions how to do things. like when she wanted me to cook. she would start by saying, "there's pre-sauted garlic, onion, pork, tomatoes in the freezer (mind you, my mom could have invented ajinomoto ginisa mix). take it out. thaw. heat the frying pan..." this she never fails to tell me. she would stop when i tell her, with a very recognizable sound of irritation, "mom, i know the basics of cooking."

this morning, she asked me to buy toner for their photocopying machine and have it dispatched through the bus liner plying manila to our town. i called her to ask the address of our house, she gave me instructions..."talk to the dispatcher, tell him blah-blah, write your dad's name on a piece of paper..." and before she could tell me my dad's full name i said, "mom, i'll figure out what to do when i get there, just give me the address."

my mom's never stopped being my mom. sometimes i think she's trying to make up for those times when she spent most her waking hours earning a living. and maybe because of all her children i'm the only one she's have the least time to be with that she still thinks i'm that helpless little girl and forgets that i've become the most independent. but while it annoyed me then, i've learned to appreciate it now. she laughed when i interrupted her instructions, i laughed too. i shook my head and just told myself, well, that's my mom."

and as i've said, i've never heard it from my mom, when i said "i love you", she was embarrased and lovingly said, "thank you."

hang-over

2006-07-13T11:37:00.000+08:00

cannavaro, el capitan

determined buffon

toni after his goal-that-never-was

dejected henry. sob, love this guy

pirlo - john malkovich look-alike

camoranesi, with his new haircut

zidane right after the head-butting incident. lapse in judgement?

red-carded

ballack during penalty shootout

psychosomatic

2006-07-12T11:07:00.000+08:00

anywhere one looks in the internet there's always an item about italy and france's battle for the first place. and anywhere one looks there's always something about zidane's red card. even those who rooted for italy are still wondering what got to zidane's mind to head-butt materazzi. nobody saw it coming, not even materazzi himself. it was a sad scene to see, a great player ending his career with a red card. but as analysts said it wouldn't tarnish zizou's legacy. in fact he was still voted player of the year.
enough with zidane.

i was groaning in pain monday after downing 2 shots of brandy and 2 glasses of white wine sunday evening with an empty stomach. but that didn't stop me from watching the final match, delayed as usual (live telecast which i had earlier planned is a staggering P3,800 pay-per-view !!!!). i had to bear with persistent pang in my stomach as the game progressed. good materazzi made that goal just a few minutes after zidane's penalty kick. otherwise the pain i felt would have aggravated and become psychosomatic; the relief i was expecting from several cups of tea would never have come.

it was a great game, there was no telling what would ensue after each attempt for a goal. i was dumbstruck when on the 16th minute of the second half toni made a goal but there was just a momentary jubilation. for about two minutes, the score was there on the screen, italy 2 – france 1, then it was back to 1-1. that i could not understand why. i heard the commentator say something like toni shot too early. anyway, they didn’t raise hell, so why should i?

the extra time was something to look forward to. it was still fresh in everyone's mind that italy beat germany 2-0 during the last three minutes of the extra time, they could do it to france. but something else happened, that much talked about head-butting incident that led zidane to bid au revoir.

the penalty shoot out could take one's breath away. suddenly, i didn't feel any pain in my stomach but i could hear my heart beating fast. and so it happened, 5-3 in favor of italy. yeissss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! need i say more?

on fifa 2006

2006-07-03T11:15:00.000+08:00

four years ago, conrado de quiros wrote in his 'there's the rub' column that filipinos are no football fans. if i remember it right, he said he drove around the streets of manila to find a bar or restaurant that was showing the world cup then. good he found one.

four years later, most filipinos remain indifferent to football even if it's taking the rest of the world by storm. we've not caught up with the fever. i understand that basketabll is still THE popular sport here, next to boxing i guess, but that's only when pacquiao is competing. or until another filipino world boxing champion emerges.

i'm a boxing fan myself and like most filipinos i'm hooked to the teevee set whenever a well-touted match is aired. but i had to forego last sunday's pacquiao-larios match in favor of the late telecast of germany-argentina and italy-ukraine quarter final matches. and the night before that i woke up every hour from 12 midnight to 5 am in an attempt to catch england-portugal live. after all, the world cup happens only every four years.

i always like to watch football game whenever i can, even back to the time when the only player i knew was pele. i'm amazed with the acrobatic stunts that i thought were already "not-human". unfortunately, i only get to see highlights of various games when i channel surf.

this year i made sure i could see at least one full match. thank god for cable tv. although solar sports' telecasts are delayed i got to see so many games, yipee!!! (trinidad & tobago vs. england, trinidad & tobago vs. paraguay, portugal vs. netherlands, australia vs. croatia, australia vs. italy, france vs. togo, brazil vs. ghana, and the ones i mentioned above). the thing is any game is unexciting unless you root for a country. not having anything in mind i had to choose a team to root for before each match began. criteria varied from how popular the team is to how goodlooking the players are; who was playing fair and who wasn't; whether a country is for "war against terrorism" or not?, developed or developing country, black or white.

i settled first for england because of beckham and crouch. then australia over croatia because croatian players were bullying them. then portugal. that's after mulling over that i could root for the dutch because they're funding one of our projects; germany too because of funding. argentina because i already knew early on that they lost to germany and my heart bled for them. i liked italy because of totti and because of the mafia novels i read but they were up against australia when i first saw them.

so that made the games thrilling for me. it didn't matter that i was the only one in our street watching football, cheering, screaming, full of agitation. and because they are super-delayed telecasts i stopped watching cnn and bbc every morning so as not to preempt my exhiliration or frustration. like this morning, i could just tune in to the news to see how england-portugal concluded (the game was last july 1) their match and eliminate the chance of me coming to work late again. but hell no, i wanted the suspense. i wanted to feel the euphoria of triumph or the agonizing thud of defeat.

and yes, i felt it today when england lost to portugal. beckham was a "peripheral figure" during the first half, and was out of the game just few minutes after the second half started. rooney was sent off for misbehaving, crouch got in in the second half but was hardly impressive. ronaldo of portugal tormented the english team, and me with his almost perfect ball skills.

the game concluded with a penalty shootout. the commentator incessantly blabbed "england never won in a penalty shootout". and what was i to do? it was a hint to switch loyalty to the likely winner portugal. but hell no,again. along with live audiences i held my breath in anticipation, applauded for the one successful shot of england, groaned for every good shot of portugal, and boy, the anxiety i felt as cristiano ronaldo walked in to finish it off.

so now that england is out i'll choose between italy and portugal. i dont know when's the next game, and surely i wont see any live game so i'll have to block cnn and bbc news programs off my morning ritual from today till the finals.

and because filipinos are for boxing and not for football lunch today consisted of fried fish, vegie dish and pacquiao's victory. no mention of football. sigh, i'll just keep my emotions to myself.

wallpaper

2006-06-29T16:06:00.000+08:00

late for work

2006-06-28T19:30:00.000+08:00

i'm late for work today for three reasons.

1. i wasn't feeling very well, the series of hiv/aids seminars since march finally took it's toll on me so now i've been coughing and sneezing non-stop since monday.

2. had to pay bills which were all overdue because i was too lazy to pay on time.

3. most importantly, australia's last match (against italy) was replayed at solar sports, i couldn't leave the house until one of them was able to make a goal. yhen's googling of and texting me the result did not help. i'm on australia's side, unfortunately for me, it was the last time i was going to see them play in this world cup. italy made a goal during the last 15 seconds... i was dismayed of course but franceso totti who was awarded the penalty kick and won the match for italy is so handsome. i'll miss viduka but it means i'll get to see totti again. oh, i forgot if totti got a yellow card. hope not.

quip

2006-06-13T09:43:00.000+08:00

kai and i were at gateway last sunday....

me: kahlil kelan na nga ang fathers' day?
kai: aba hindi ko alam, wala naman akong tatay eh.

hehe. clever indeed.

bolinao, pangasinan

2006-05-30T13:29:00.000+08:00

(ray's shot)

zone's

taray mode

2006-05-25T11:43:00.000+08:00

words coming out of my mouth pag nasa taray mode ako.

1. "nagpapatawa ka ba o talagang tanga ka lang?"

2. "eh ano kung ayaw mo maging mabait sakin, basta ako mabait pa din sayo."

3. "oras ko ng pahinga, ayoko makipag-usap ng tungkol sa trabaho."

4. "i have a death wish but i'm not suicidal."

5. "pwede ba, if you have nothing good to say, just don't say anything at all."

6. "ang plastic mo naman."

7. "ohh, get real."

8. "akala mo lang ako ang salbahe, pakinggan mo nga mga sinasabi mo."

9. "get used to it, you have a pretty mom."

10. "yeah, yeah, everything's my fault. masaya ka na?"

11. "eh? ka-level ba kita?"

12. "yan ba naman eh kailangan pa pag-isipan ng malalim?"

13. "i don't care."

14. "anak ka siguro ng diyos."

15. "ako lang naman ang kaya mong awayin kasi alam mong di kita papatulan."

16. "syempre, ginagamit ko utak ko eh."

17. "i don't wonder. i know."

18. "drugs? nakakabobo yan."

19. "magkwento ka naman ng maganda tungkol sa buhay mo."

20. "i don't want to hear you complain, it's your decision not mine."

21. "sabat ka ng sabat di mo naman alam ano pinapag-usapan."

22. "mind your manners."

23. "liars go to hell."

24. "meet me when you're ready to focus your attention on me."

25. "inggit lang yun kasi maganda ka."

26. "i'm not jealous, i'm possessive."

27. "hindi ka bobo, tanga ka.!"

28. "hindi yan immorality, stupidity yan."

29. "GD ka pa din?!!!"

30. "That's why i like you, pwede ko maging gago sa harap mo."

31. "Opo MANONG!!"

32. "how did you know? ang galing mo naman."

33. "na-break mo nga record ko, inabot ka naman ng tatlong araw. eh ako minuto lang"

34. "that's it????!!!!"

35. "talk to the hand because the face is too tired." (gaya lang sa tv)

36. "eto, eto, kailangan mo ng utak dito."

37. "taon-taon na lang yan ang linya mo, baguhin mo naman."

38. "alam mo ang mga taong laging nagsasabing may sakit sila gusto lang magpapansin."

39. "smile. damn you, smile."

40. "ngumiti ka naman, ang tanda na tuloy ng itsura mo."

41. "lumapit ka." (pag nasa jeep ako at konti lang ang pasahero tapos gusto ng nasa dulo eh iabot ko sa driver ang bayad nila.)

42. "mama, tatlong palit na yung ilaw sa traffic light di ka pa rin umaandar. late na ko sa trabaho ko."

43. "hindi ka nanghihingi ng tip, nanghoholdap ka." (to a taxi driver)

44. "excuse me, i know my rights."

45. "magsabi ka kaagad para wala kang napeperwisyo."

46. "maiintindihan kita kung bobo ka."

47. "baka guilty."

48. "just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you are perfect."

49. "sorry but i don't tell a lie."

50. "dalawa lang yan, either nagsinungaling sila o gumagawa ka ng sariling kwento."

tanging ikaw sana

2006-05-12T11:34:00.000+08:00

HANGGANG
Wency Cornejo

ilang ulit mo nang itinatanong sakin
kung hanggang saan
hanggang saan, hanggang kailan
hanggang kailan magtatagal
ang aking pagmamahal

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig
dito sa ating daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay
kita'y iniibig

chorus:
giliw wag mo sanang isiping
ikaw ay aking lilisanin
'di ko magagawang, lumayo sayong piling
at nais kong malaman mo
kung gaano kita kamahal

hanggang ang diwa ko'y tanging sa 'yo laan
mamahalin kailanman
hanggang pag-ibig ko'y hanggang walang hanggan
tanging ikaw lamang

hanggang may himig pa akong naririnig
dito sa ating daigdig
hanggang may musika akong tinataglay
kita'y iniibig

hanggang may puso akong marunong magmahal
na ang isinisigaw ay lagi nang ikaw
hanggang saan, hanggang kailan
hanggang kailan kitang mahal
hanggang ang buhay ko'y kunin ng maykapal
hanggang may pag-ibig
laging isisigaw tanging ikaw

KAHIT ISANG SAGLIT
Martin Nievera

Pa'no ang puso kong ito
Ngayon lumisan ka sa
buhay ko
Kung kailan sumikat ang
araw
At lumigaya ang aking
mundo
Paano ang mga bukas ko
Paano ang mga pangarap
Mga pangako sa bawat isa

Chorus:

Sana ika'y muling makita ko
Damhin ang tibok ng puso mo
Sana'y yakapin mo ako muli
Kahit sandali, kahit ilang
saglit mayakap ka

Interlude:

Puso ko'y biglang naulila
Iyong iniwanan na nag-iisa
(Repeat Chorus)

Mayakap ka.

just for fun

2006-05-11T13:11:00.000+08:00

outing..... (photos by rayh, zone and moi)

from cape bolinao lighthouse
view from the mansion
sige, para may picture din ako
isa pang pose
sa gilid

precocious irene
siblings
pang friendster

names of people i know

2006-05-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

1. xty - short for christy na short for christine. sus, nagpalayaw pa. nagtipid sa sound?

2. burns - ang seductive ng dating, sabi nya sa about me nya sa blog nya eh '50% bitch 50% angel' sya... malamang nga. pero basta ang alam ko cute syang magtaray. memorable line i heard from her, "alam ko, hindi ako dimwit noh!!" ang taray talaga.

3. kahlil - sa arabic language eh dapat khalil ang spelling, kaso pag pinoy ka baduy na susundan mo ng h ang consonant kung di rin naman ito p. religious daw ang pangalan nya sabi ng mga less acquainted kay kahlil gibran. sus, eh sa mga pelikula nga palaging yung pangalan ng terorista.

4. fyke - pinaiksing facundo. pero fyke man o facundo pareho namang di nya totoong pangalan yun. pipili na nga lang ng koda ang bantot pa.

5. malou - hulaan ko maria lourdes ang tunay nyang pangalan.

6. sascha - pag ginoogle mo buong pangalan nya eto lalabas "pahinang may resulta 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 susunod". ang dami, grabe, pero kahit isang page walang tungkol talaga sa kanya.

7. kips - term of endearment ko sa best friend ko, 'friend for keeps" hanggang ngayon naman magkaibigan pa din kami.

8. baby - dalawa kilala kong baby, pero pramis hindi na sila baby, half a century ago pa.

9. nini - hindi na din sya nini, pramis din, matagal na din.

10. iam - short for iamar na ang ang ibig sabihin daw ay buwan. first baby ni yhen, next baby daw nya kaya eh weare naman?

11. yhen - la lang. para lang masabing nabanggit ko sya.

12. loy - ay, ratatitat pala! ay, loy nga ata! ay, ano nga ba pangalan nya talaga?

13. richie - nung unang nabanggit sakin pangalan nya ang tanong ko eh kung lalaki ba sya o babae. doesn't matter. tunog pa lang ng pangalan nya eh mukang makulit na; makulit nga!!

14. I. - kailangan may tuldok pagkatapos ng I, at dapat capital letter. pero hirap na hirap ako sa pangalan nya, kasi pag tinext ko si richie at sinabi kong 'you and I" parang "tayo" yun, pag "richie and I" naman parang "kami". eh hindi naman kami, sila naman talaga.

15. florence - kaganda-ganda ng 'florence' eh kailangan bang bigyan ng palayaw na "flor". basta kung ako ang may pangalang florence, len ang ipapalayaw ko sa sarili ko.

para hindi mainip sa paghihintay

2006-04-25T18:33:00.000+08:00

ceres bus #50010
4:40 am, 17 march 2004

kakaiba ang laki ng buwan dito sa canlaon. kung sa kanta ni joey ayala ay isa siyang "ngiti sa kalawakan" ang buwan ng Canlaon ay nakangisi na para bang tuwang-tuwa sa isang malisyosong biro. ewan kung sa pagkakapwesto nya sa madilim na langit ay may nakikita syang di dapat tingnan. pilyo ang buwan ng Canlaon, parang nakakaloko. hindi ko alam kung ito ay interpretasyon ko lang dahil sa nararamdaman kong saya ngayong pabalik na ko ng maynila at alam kong may naghihintay sa aking pagdating. pero pwede ko ring isiping ang ngisi nya ay babala na hindi ako makakarating sa tamang oras sa bacolod para sa alas-onse kong flight.

di naman malayo sa katotohanan ang pangamba ko. kahit napuyat ako sa ingay ng mga lalaking nag-iinuman sa labas ng kwarto ko sa pension house ay pinakaaga-agahan ko na ang gising para makuha ang first trip ng ceres pa-bacolod; di ko pa rin alam kung aabot ito sa tamang oras o kung makakaabot pa nga ba at all. balita ko sa nakaraang dalawang buwan ay dalawa na ring bus ng ceres ang sinunog ng mga NPA. ang hindi ko naitanong sa mga taga-dito ay kung anong oras at aling bahagi ng ruta ng canlaon-bacolod stretch nananambang ang mga NPA. para sana medyo lumuwag ang pakiramadam ko kung malaman kong di naman nagaganap ang mga pagsunog sa madaling araw. malamig dito sa canlaon, hindi naman siguro nila hahayaang manigas sa ginaw ang mga pasaherong pabababain nila ng bus.

napagkaisahan ko nang walang magaganap na pagsusunog ng bus ngayon o mamaya, kailangan ko yun para mapayapa ang aking isip. pero parang baga ko naman ang masusunog dahil lahat ng yata ng lalaki dito sa loob ng non-aircon bus ay naninigarilyo.

sariwang-sariwa pa naman sana ang hangin dito, pero hindi ko na ma-enjoy dahil nag-uulap na sa kapal ng usok sa loob ng bus. di ko rin maamoy ang mga palay (ewan kung may amoy nga ang mga palay) dahil kung hihinga ako ng malalim para langhapin ang malamig at sariwang hangin eh usok ng Hope at Camel ang malalanghap ko.

.... ..... .....

may limang minuto nang tumatakbo ang bus, iniikot nya ang buong syudad para manguha pa ng pasahero. inaasahan kong maiiwan na ang mga usok ng sigarilyo, dadalhin ng hangin palabas ng bus. di ko na rin matanaw ang nakangising buwan... nakakatuwa naman na habang sinusulat ko ito ay saglit na sumilip ang buwan. lumiit na sya, katulad na sya ng buwan na kilala ko sa maynila, isa na syang "ngiti sa kalawakan". ang gusto ko nang isipin ay ligtas akong makakabalik ng Maynila, sakay pa rin ng bus na ito hanggang bacolod, sakay ng eroplano pa-maynila, at buo pa rin ang baga.

bukas ng gabi babatiin ko din ang buwan sa maynila, ikikwento ko na nakita ko sya sa canlaon.

puerto princesa

2006-04-03T16:54:00.000+08:00

wee-wee-an, badjao seafront

take your pick, dati shoe rack lang ngayon may baskets at lockers na sa ka lui, pero sobra pa ring dami ng mga sapatos at tsinelas

lolo itoy and lola ibing

at itoy's coffee shop. pero pinakamasarap pa rin ang kape sa kamarikutan. bawal nga lang mag-kodakan

pero pwede naman panakaw na kodak, kamarikutan.

sa may bakawan

so near yet so far na dagat

Good guys make me cry

2006-03-20T10:43:00.000+08:00

Watching “Living with Fran” at Studio 23 while working late at home Sunday night (or maybe I should reverse the order of priority, it’s working while watching) made me cry. In spite of the divided attention, my eyes and hands on the laptop, my ears on the tv set and my mouth on nagging Kahlil to take a bath already, I couldn’t help my eyes getting misty. It was this sitcom, yeah a situation comedy (and you say it’s supposed to make viewers laugh) that I watch every Sunday – one thing I do religiously – that touches the sentimental part of me.

“Living with Fran” spins around a sort of blended family. Fran is a divorcee, she has the custody over her 15-year-old (I think) daughter, Allyson, cool and acerbic. Her teenaged son, Josh, suddenly moving in with her after dropping out of medical school was dismayed to find out that not only was his room turned into a gym but Fran has a boyfriend, Riley, half her age living with her. Everyone was cool about the arrangement except Josh. Anyway, that’s the initial telecast and the sitcom is supposed to revolve around that plot.

In tonight’s episode, Fran and Riley were to celebrate their anniversary, with dinner just for the two of them. Josh and Allyson were supposed to be out, so the two had the house all for themselves. And as sitcoms would go, romantic dinner turns into disaster. One after another Allyson and Josh came home. Fran was sending them away to a food court but Riley said they could turn it into a family affair instead and told Fran that they could have private dessert later. Then Fran’s ex, Ted, always with his impeccable timing to ruin Fran’s day or night, whatever, arrived and was invited to stay for dinner by Allyson. He got Riley’s seat. Over dinner there were lots of sarcastic exchanges among everybody except Riley who asserted his role as the man in the family. Whether he succeeded or not was another thing.

Private dessert was all set but Riley had already lost his appetite. He was slighted by the way Fran treated him in front of Ted and her children over dinner, when she disregarded Riley’s decision not to allow Allyson to watch a certain movie and allowed Josh to refer to him as just “my mom’s boyfriend”. Fran said something like, “it’s a family thing” which further insulted Riley; he walked out of the bedroom not touching the dessert. This is the part when I turned teary-eyed and felt a lump in my throat

Conflict was resolved after Fran, on the following day, took a doggie downer instead of a pain reliever, and blabbered in front of everyone (I’m making the story really short, I swear) making everyone know how they feel towards one another. In the end, Riley gave Fran an eyeglasses as an anniversary gift. That Fran wears glasses was a fact hidden from him by the entire family.

Riley is young, tall, handsome, romantic, sensitive, expresses his honest feelings, understanding, broad-minded, forgiving, mature and responsible guy. What moved me was exactly that. Fran’s lucky to have her....ER, HIM, HIM, HIM!!!! (hmmm, does he have a brother?).

a motley of quotations on feminism

2006-03-10T11:09:00.000+08:00

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." ~Clare Boothe Luce

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. ~Rebecca West, 1913

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr

Feminism is the radical notion that women are people. ~Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ~Anaïs Nin

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Gloria Steinem

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.
Gloria Steinem

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. ~Madonna Ciccone

You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. ~Jane Galvin Lewis

I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist. ~Sally Kempton, attributed

There are very few jobs that actually require a penis or vagina. All other jobs should be open to everybody. ~Florynce Kennedy

Feminism directly confronts the idea that one person or set of people [has] the right to impose definitions of reality on others. ~Liz Stanley and Sue Wise

I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war. ~Robert Mueller

Being a lady is an attitude. ~Chuck Woolery, Love Connection

I am beautiful as I am. I am the shape that was gifted. My breasts are no longer perky and upright like when I was a teenager. My hips are wider than that of a fashion model's. For this I am glad, for these are the signs of a life lived. ~Cindy Olsen, co-owner of The Body Objective

[Feminism is] a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson

No man is as anti-feminist as a really feminine woman. ~Frank O'Connor

It starts when you sink in his arms and ends with your arms in his sink. ~Author Unknown

To me, "sexual freedom" means freedom from having to have sex. ~Lily Tomlin

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. ~Elaine Boosler

I didn't want to be a boy, ever, but I was outraged that his height and intelligence were graces for him and gaucheries for me. ~Jane Rule

A woman is like a tea bag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is. ~Attributed to both Eleanor Roosevelt and Carl Sandburg

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don't blame the women's movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based. - Betty Friedan

A feminist is a woman who does not allow anyone to think in her place - Michele Le Doeuff.

Mahal namin ang mga kababaihan, mahal namin ang mga kababaihan....at dapat ang mga babae nasa bahay, nag-aalaga ng mga anak. - SPO Roberto Bondoc, Deputy Commander SPD, on Women's Day.

from a motley of sources

hindi pang women's day

2006-03-07T18:59:00.000+08:00

it started with an exchange of texts messages.
him: wer r u?
me: sa mtg. y?
him: kailangan ko kausap.
me: tapos ako ng 5 pm, then i'll go to ofis. san ka ba?
him: sa kumunoy ng depresyon.
me: san ba yun? andito ko morato.
him: hehe, tange!!

a few more exhanges of texts then we decided we could meet for coffee. the resto where we usually have coffee has moved to another location so we ended up at starbucks.

we don't often see each other but everytime he's sad he remembers me. i'm on the top of his list because i always listen to him intently and i was never 'clinical' with my approach. but last night was different. he could feel that i was already feeling blase. and yes, i started being clinical.

he began lamenting about his love-hate relationship with his live-in partner. i laughed. he was upset that i did and he almost clammed up. but i said, "you told me the same problem two years ago. how could i not laugh? two years ago eh wala akong karelasyon. nagkaron na ko ng karelasyon, sumaya na ko, nahiwalay, nalugkot, nagalit at ngayon eh masaya na ulit pero ikaw yan pa rin ang sinasabi mo!"

i wasn't sorry that i laughed at him; i meant to be straightforward and i didn't care if he was offended. i made him realize that he's stuck in his miseries. he knows exactly what to do to end what's bugging him all these years he only has to start doing something, and really do something. he realized that i could get tired of listening to him but he also knows that i've always been the friend he could trust.

before the night ended, he was laughing with me again. we parted ways, got a goodnight text from him, "salamat sa 2 beses na untog". with that i knew i'm not going to hear from him again for the next one or two months at least.

almost there

2006-02-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

i'm almost there. see? patience isn't one of my virtues so my new template is only half-done.

finished reading 'kokoro' last week. it's a story about a japanese man, sensei, who gradually turned mistanthropic. at first because he was betrayed by his uncle he trusted so much then later on because of his own betrayal to his friend who trusted him. sensei's friend took his own life after he learned that sensei was going to marry the woman they both fancied. although, that wasn't the only reason he committed suicide. for so long sensei's friend thought he was not capable of making things happen.

sensei's existence was devoid of life, he lived idly, didn't work (he inherited a fortune enough to last a lifetime) lost his passion for knowledge, hardly made any friends. "why did it take me so long to do this?" was a realization both sensei and his friend had. sensei towards the end of the novel decided to take his own life as well when he deemed everything has lost its meaning.

sensei committed suicide because of guilt. sure he was deceived by his uncle but at no part in the story was it told that there was another treachery committed against him by any other person. on the contrary it was him who deceived his friend, his wife and her mother, one after another. he was a true-blue coward. he knew he was at fault but refused to be contrite. or maybe he was, but too scared to admit to the people he had hurt.

for years he carried his guilt on his shoulder like jesus christ did with his cross. but instead of hating himself he hated humankind. so i think his mistrust and hatred of humanity was misdirected. he knew he did something contemptible but blamed other people for his actions. that's why i think he was never able to correct his mistakes, which made the person he loved, his wife, suffer a great deal albeit in silence. he was so adamant, did not even share his thoughts to his questioning wife that she had ended up thinking that she was the one at fault. oh that was a very convenient excuse for sensei.

in the novel, he was pressed to tell his story through a letter and consequently expose the betrayals. you'd think he finally had the courage? not so. i still think he was spineless. he took his life even before the letter was read. suicide,i believe, was his way of escape rather than penance. can you still put blame on a dead person? can you ask why? no more, and no way.

i too think about taking my own life. as i read the novel i too wondered why it's taking me so long to do IT. because it's not yet time. someday when i know that i've already done what i could and want to do i might just decide it is the right moment. but unlike sensei and his friend i don't have any intention of dying for the same reason they had. if i commit suicide it's because i'm already content with my life, reached my goals, no more responsibilities and know i've already lived a full life. am i almost there.... don't know yet, but i hope so.

I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-23T12:32:00.000+08:00

di talaga kaya ng powers ko makapgbago ng template!!!!

post valentine thoughts

2006-02-15T10:21:00.000+08:00

a week before the valentine's day isip ako ng isip kung pa'no ang valentine's day sakin last year, considering that it was the first time after five years na meron akong karelasyon. i could not remember it being special or romantic. it's not like me to celebrate valentine's day. buti natatapat ako sa mga karelasyon na either walang pang-valentine o hindi maka-valentine which made it easy for me so i need not pretend or force myself to celebrate.

going down the stairs this morning, i saw a bunch of roses my sis' boyfriend gave her and so i recalled that kai actually gave me a rose last year because my brother told him to. otherwise, hindi naman nya maiisip yun on his own.

yesterday over lunch at the office, one of my colleagues kept muttering we're not loveless because we have our children. then i bluntly asked, "are you justifying not having a date today?" she said no, just stating a fact. ho-hummm. i got texts and personal greetings but i couldn't get myself to greet people back, it was easier with texts kasi pwede namang forwarded message.

i don't believe in valentine's day. i just think that one does not need a special date to express one's love. everyday for me is love day. one does not have to choose a day or time of the year when one says 'i love you' to a loved one, whether they're our parents, children, friends or sweethearts (but mostly, sweetheart). dala na rin siguro ng pagiging ex-actibista kaya kasama na sa dahilan yung commercialization issue.

ma-traffic, maingay at puno ang restaurants pag valentine's day. and i hate crowds. pati motels fully booked pag ganong araw. which reminds me, ngayon ko lang na-gets yung text ni richie na "buti na lang 2 lang kami ni i s bhay". valentine's day is also the time na kahit pagkaganda-ganda, pagkamahal-mahal, pagka-elegante at sobrang bagay sa'yo ng damit mo eh baduy pa din magsuot ng kulay pula.

but then, sa totoong buhay eh i have one simple but pressing reason kung bakit ayaw ko ng valentine's day which i admitted to my colleagues in the office yesterday. kasi hindi ko alam talaga ang tamang greeting, happy valentine? happy valentine's? happy valentine's day? the last one is too long. so ano ang maiksi? somebody said, 'happy valentine' like "hapy new year".

which brings me to other things which got me confused like i never used the idiom "add insult to injury". it was only in october last year that i was finally sure it wasn't "adding salt to injury" (ask richie, she knows the difference). o yung tinatanong ng pari before the actual kasal when he asks if there's anyone who is against the union to say it or to "forever hold your peace/piece."

for so many years i pronounced shepherd sheFerd because of the ph-f rule, yun pala eh exemption ang shepherd. so you say it with a P. cada-ver or ca-daver. broc-coli agains brocco-li. respit or respayt for respite.

so yun, kaya pala ayaw ko ng valentine's day.

ennui...

2006-02-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

a good sign of aging is when you're getting bored kahit ang dami-dami namang tratrabahuhin at kung anu-ano na tuloy ang napapansin mo...

1. ahas sa maynila - every week na lang ay may nahuhuling ahas sa iba't-ibang lugar dito sa manila. ano't nagpuntahan na dito ang mga ahas? dito na talaga balak manirahan?

2. e-mails - everyday i receive worm virus (may relasyon kaya yun sa ahas?) na nag-ooffer ng viagra and penis enlarger. WHAT DO I NEED THAT FOR????!!!! *#@^!%*

3. stampede sa ultra - the footages made me cry last saturday. task force ULTRA's report "They were exploited, manipulated and treated like animals" gave me goosebumps. at lalo na yung recommendations ng investigating team na puro wala namang kinalaman sa exploitation na sinasabi nila. even sadder eh nag-sorry daw si corpus last night sa pagsasabi ng ganon. huwat?

4. telefantasia and asianovelas - thank god for these soaps, ang aaga na umuwi ng mga asawang lalaki kasi nanonood din sila ng jewel in the palace at etheria (kapuso ako)

5. mp3 player - magastos sa battery, kahit alkaline pa gamitin. energizer does not keep on going and going and going...

6. hiv - siyet!! 11,000 na ang tinatantyang HIV positives, hidden population daw and the government has only 2400+ documented cases. nasan yung 7000+. isn't that scary?

7. libre - that free newspaper MRT commuters grab every morning have more ADs now than news. at hindi na rin nakakatawa ang horoscope nila.

8. libre pa rin - nilibre ako ni yhen sa C3 kapalit ng pakikinig ko sa kwento nya, haha. la pa sya pera kaya pinautang ko muna sya, kaso malayo na bangko sa ofis kaya di ako nakawithdraw, kaya pinautang nya muna ko ng ipapautang ko sa kanya para mailbre nya ko.

9. jeepney fare rollback - valentine's gift daw ng jeepney transport sector. never heard anything like this before. pero cool.

10. peso-dollar exchange rate - kelangan ko na talaga asikasuhin pag-open ng account habang mababa pa dollar, magtataas na naman daw by april. sayang naman pwede ko kitain.

Code Pink

2006-02-02T11:26:00.000+08:00

WOMEN SAY NO TO WAR

funny

2006-01-30T11:25:00.000+08:00

wanna know who's your movie star double? click here

mine would be angelina jolie.

everything and nothing

2006-01-29T14:19:00.000+08:00

it's not often that i go to internet cafe's. this is probably the second or third time, only to accompany my son, it could be a bonding moment. although, i don't know how exactly we can bond when he's busy with 'dota', whatever that is, while i'm now wrtining whatever comes into my mind. i'm not even sure if i'd come out with a coherent post.

i'm just passing time, no brilliant ideaa, no profound thoughts there. we've only got an hour to spend here, and i think we're already on our 45th minute. i already did some net surfing, read news, and had wished to play 'letter linkers' but the cafe did not install javascript so i couldn't play anything. shucks!!!

i'm not bored, but my mind's uhm... blank... pffft.

have started to write about hiv, fear of flying, wild swans, my clothes, and about a friend. none of which has found it's place in my blogspot, everything's unfinished. including this one.

oh alright, just checked with the management, we're still on our 38th minute... oh gosh, what will i do with the remaining 22 minutes? dum, dumd, dum,dum...

kai craved for stuffed crust pizza. i wanted to try 'heaven and eggs' in morato, but kai wouldn't eat at all (emotional blackmailer, this early, hmp) so that's it, i found myself lunching with him at pizza hut bistro and P800 poorer.

there goes the reminder, i've less than 10 minutes. ALREADY?!!!! that's odd.

text

2006-01-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

Ate d mo nman ako
winarningan na may
unwanted creatur sa
pglabas ng gate.
Nanginginig tloy legs ko
nun nglalakad na ko dhil
sa pnghihina.

Sender:
Phobel
+63917.........

Sent:
11:05:13
Jan-17-2006

book's a company

2006-01-11T10:38:00.000+08:00

now that i don't have a sex life (which i have yet to decipher whether it's a blessing, a curse or simply my destiny) and my son practically on his own i have more time for reading than ever before. i acquired several books the past yule season, all of which are gifts from friends and from myself.

1. The Third Reich - Michael Burleigh
2. Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak
3. Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend - Robert James Waller
4. The Bridges of Madison County - ditto
5. Which Lie did I Tell? - William Goldman
6. Gulliver's Travel (unabridged) - Jonathan Swift
7. What Men Think About Sex - Mark Mason
8. Kokoro - Sosemi Natsume
9. Foucault's Pendulum - Umberto Eco

if i have to be consistent with my reading average of three books a month, i'll have a supply that would last me three months. but "The Bridges..." should be out of the wait list because i read it only recently. i just have this penchant for buying books that i've already read but would want to see in my bookshelves.

but i shouldn't worry about shortage for the succeeding months as i still have a good number of titles that are yearning for my attention, some of those have actually gathered dust because they remained untouched for months, years even. depending on my mood and interest they'd be permitted to jump queue before the bookworms get them.

waiting in line:

1. The Last Temptation of Christ - by an author whose last name sounds like Kazakhstan. acquired it december 2004 and started reading it straight away but had to stall in favor of the other books that i expected to be sequestered. and were actually sequestered.
2. Reading Between the Lies - a gift from kakai two christmases ago. or was it my birthday?
3. Son of the Circus - John Irving
4. The Pillars of the Earth - Ken Follet. i've read it 11 years ago but want to read it again.
5. Life in Palestine in the Time of Christ - forgot the author. my xmas gift to myself three years ago. I realized i need to keep a bible handy when reading it which i was able to finally buy july last year.
6. Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix - by you know who. i can wait till i see the trailer of the next potter movie or read it as soon as possible because i'm not sure how much longer i can keep the book in my possession. it was one of the books i expected would be taken out of my shelf but by an act of omission or commission i found it right where i left it...
7. Aristocrats of the Malay Race - by a Filipno author. not for entertainment
8. Cuckold - by an Indian author. bought this in india in 2002 as a present for kakai's father who took care of my kid while i was away. i didn't know what cuckold meant. i learned about its meaning last year, incidentally and ironically from romel. it was funny then, and it's funnier now that i'm thinking about it. i was dumbstruck when romel explained what the word denotes. that explained why my first ex didn't bring the book with him when he went back to his house. it was a puzzle to me, because he brought the other books i gave him.
9. Highwire Moon - Susan Straight
10. The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo

etcetera..etcetera.

currently reading: wild swans three daughters of china by jung chang

krismas parti

2005-12-22T17:30:00.000+08:00

sayang i di gano kita yung bag.

i. ulit (dala ko pala digicam sa italianni's)

2005-12-22T15:26:00.000+08:00

sa harap ng malya hotel sa bandung (parang baguio pati klima). yung mga nangangabayo, may dalang mga paintings na tinitinda sa hotel guests.

kids (obvious ba?) na may dalang mga angklung (obsvious ba ulit?)

bilal (with glasses) and isa. bilal calls me "pssst darling" which i preferred to flor. kasama ko sa clubbing na akala ko eh inuman yun pala disco club (siyet!!). isa is dying to go to phils, esp davao. mega-promote naman ako ng pilipnas.
sa lobby ng gran melia, jakarta. US$150 a night. sa taas ng pic n to is the national monument from a very long distance, hehe.

cr ko sa gran melia na puro salamin!!!!

what i cannot buy, pwede naman picture-an na lang

more pics: http://akodininisna.blogspot.com/2005/12/more-pics.html

signs, signs, signs

2005-12-16T10:22:00.000+08:00

at the dry section of kamuning public market.
"libring's textile"
- better than a sale!!!

building construction along recto ave.
"beware of falling workers."
- aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, blag!!!!

in one of the gates in an exclusive subdivision.
"never mind the dog, beware of the owner"
- are you rabid?

on a picket-fenced vacant lot
"tresspassers will be shot. survivors will be shot again."
- oh, you're so cruel!!!

on a wall in a street in balic-balic.
"bawal umihi ang aso dito. fine 1000"
-let's go some place else brownie.

on another wall, also in balic-balic.
"aso lang ang umiihi dito"
- ah, there's your spot brownie.

along east eave. (and it's in pink!!!)
"a walkable city is a healthy city"
- whatever!!!

malamig daw ang pasko ko

2005-12-07T11:24:00.000+08:00

malamig daw ang pasko para sakin ngayon kasi wala na kong karelasyon. sabi ko hindi. maliban sa totoo namang malamig ang buwan ng disyembre ay wala namang nabago sa mga pasko ko. katulad din ito ng mga dati ko ng pasko nagdaan na hindi ako masaya. may karelasyon o wala.

ayoko ng pasko. ni hindi ako naglalagay ng mga christmas decors. para sakin ito ang pinakamalungkot na araw. taon-taon na lang nagsasaya ang mga tao, bigayan ng regalo, christmas party, kris kringle, baha ang masasarap na pagkain.

oo, nakikisali ako sa exchange gift, sa noche buena, sa mga tawanan at kwentuhan, sa pamimigay ng aginaldo, pero laging mabigat ang loob ko. hindi dahil sa kuripot ako pero dahil sa gitna ng mga masaganang hapag-kainan at sa maraming regalo sa ilalim ng christmas tree eh hindi naaalis sa isip ko ang mga taong hindi magawang mag-celebrate ng pasko. taon-taon na lang kung ibandera sa media ang pasko eh parang lahat eh masagana at lahat ay masaya. pero hindi totoo yon eh.

once, i thought that maybe i was being too hard on myself for being so cynical about the yule season. rather than just enjoy, i always feel heavy. pero ganon eh. sa bawat regalo na binubuksan ko, naiisip ko ang mga taong kailangan pa ding magtrabaho para lang mairaos ang pasko, hindi dahil pasko yun kundi dahil isa lang yun sa mga araw na kailangan nilang kumain. naiisip ko rin ang mga taong hindi makauwi sa bahay nila dahil sa sari-saring dahilan, mga dahilang hindi nila kagustuhan; mga taong may bahay nga at buo ang pamilya pero hindi naman makaramdam na ligtas sila.

it is such a cliche to say na ang tunay na diwa ng pasko ay pagmamahalan dahil inaalala ang birthday ni kristo, ang tagapag-ligtas. damn it, it's a round-about-way of saying magdasal ka na lang kung wala kang makain sa pasko. o kaya ay tiis ka muna dahil pag nasa langit na ay masaya ka na.

ewan kong guilt yon. guilty akong maging masaya habang alam kong maraming mga tao, lalo na ang mga bata, na para sa kanila ay pangarap na lang ang pasko. hindi siguro inggit ang nararamdaman nila kundi lungkot at awa sa sarili.

nabubutas ang bulsa ko pag panahon ng kapaskuhan dahil bawat batang lumapit sakin, bawat batang nangangatok sa bintana ng kotse o taxi eh inaabutan ko ng kahit konti, bawat envelope na dala ng kolektor ng basura ay nilalalgyan ko ng laman. hindi malaki, tama lang sa kaya ko, pero kahit pano nakakapagpalabas ako ng ngiti. yun lang ang kaya kong gawin, hindi para mawala ang guilt ko kundi para makaramdam din sila kahit papano ng pasko. paskong hindi ko pinapaniwalaan.

may isa akong pangarap tuwing pasko, hindi ko alam kung kelan matutupad. pangarap ko pa rin na isang araw ang mga kapalitan ko ng regalo ay magdedesisyon na na wala na lang kaming party o exchange gift, instead eh pagsama-samahin namin ang aming budget, lumabas at magbigay don sa mga wala. sa araw mismo ng pasko.

ngayon, iniisip ko malamig nga siguro ang pasko ko. i would feel as heavy as always but feel empty at the same time na hindi ko pa rin matupad ang pangarap ko. but maybe someday, kahit ako mag-isa, kakayanin ko na. patuloy akong hindi maniniwal sa pasko pero hindi ko ipagkakait sa iba kung gusto nilang makaramdam kahit isang araw lang ng saya. at kung may magagawa ako para sumaya sila, sa maliit na paraang alam ko, gagawin ko pa rin yon.

i.

2005-12-05T09:55:00.000+08:00

kadami ko na palang nabasang libro sa nakaraang tatlong buwan

1. the bridges of madison county by robert something, wahller yata ang apelyido. i've seen the movie, i've read the book. galeng!!!

2. love in the time of cholera by gabriel garcia marquez. simple lang, sa hinaba-haba ng prusisyon, sa simbahan din ang tuloy.

3. the tipping point - kalimutan ko author, totoo nga, page-turner. sociology, psychology, anthropology, marketing and management all in one.

.
4. harry potter and the goblet of fire by you-know-who, mas maganda pa rin basahin kesa panoorin. mad eye moody is not as scary in the movie as i had imagined him nong libro pa lang sya

5. the family by mario puzo. 17th century kwento about a certain cardinal borgia na naging pope and how he used his powers to spread christianity. it was a fiction pero when i checked the encyclopedia, meron ngang borgia family . puzo's last novel kaya nalungkot ako when i finished the book.

6. angels and demons by dan brown, it was nice to have read it right after 'the family.'

.

7. city of the beast by isabel allende - for young adult readers. pero pwede ring basahing ng mga matatanda

.

8. the sorrow of war by bao ninh - still reading. post-war kwento ng isang opisyal. dapat 'ghost of war' ang title nya

9. code zero by ken follet, la lang. buti nga naalala ko pa na nabasa ko na pala sya.

On My Own (from les miserables)

2005-12-01T14:28:00.000+08:00

EPONINE
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to go no one to turn to,
Did not want your money sir I came out here
coz i was told to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/lesmiserables/onmyown.htm

infinity pool?

2005-12-01T11:23:00.000+08:00

basta ang pool punong-puno ng tubig, at yip, yip i. pag tiningnan mo sya para syang hindi pool, kakaiba kasi pati kulay ng tubig. if you're not aware na may pool eh aakalain mong part pa rin sya ng flooring, lalo na pag matindi sikat ng araw. at eto ang gilid ng pool, pag nakalimutan mo san sasampa pag gusto mo ng umahon eh pwede kang dire-direcho sa cliff. - salamat sa paliwanag kung ano ang infinity pool. :-)

habang di pa ko makapagsulat

2005-11-30T15:05:00.000+08:00

kudyapi and flute, during welcome dinner
the view from my window

to the floating market

2005-11-10T11:56:00.000+08:00

make no mistake, it's not the inundated navotas or malabon. it's one of the numerous canals built to make transport of goods easier and faster. irrigation din yata para sa mga farms.

pagdating pa lang sa airport, toink na!!

2005-11-10T11:44:00.000+08:00

buti pa sila, sarap tulog. sa office ng association of travel agencies, while i was waiting for the car that would take me to indra regent hotel. first boo-boo, the travel agency thought i cancelled my flight kaya wala akong sundo. so i had to wait for an hour and a half bago makabalik yung service ko. buti pa si sr.christine tan (RIP), may naghihintay sa kanya don.

2005-11-09T13:27:00.000+08:00

a dog barks,
a cat meows,
a cow moos,
a frog croaks,
a sheep bleats,
a lion roars,
a rooster crows,
a horse neighs,
a snake hisses,
an elephant poses for a picture

2005-11-07T13:04:00.000+08:00

2005-11-05T00:44:00.000+08:00

waiting for my expensive coffee to be served at shangri-la hotel. first 130 baht went to a cup of coffee while enjoying the view of chao phraya river.

human-made (?) lake inside rose garden, outside bangkok,

piyesta - hanggang tingin ka na lang

2005-11-04T14:13:00.000+08:00

post-holiday post

2005-11-04T13:30:00.000+08:00

zzzz...ngork!!!! sarap tulog!!!

why my kid should be glad he's a filipino.

mapping bangkok. shangri-la hotel, indra regent, nearest train station

bobo ng diliman

2005-10-22T17:08:00.000+08:00

may kanta noong tibak pa ko na "bobo ng diliman' to the tune of "go johnny go". . sa mga ka-batch ko noon, i'm sure they remember this.... "ako'y nagkakamot ng talampakan, nais kong iwanan ang eskwelahan. la naman akong natututunan..." ewan ko lang kung alam yan ng mga tibak ngayon. but this is not about that song. naalala ko lang yung part ng chorus na "may araw din ang mga kontrabidang tao".

everytime naiinis ako, everytime may nanloloko sakin, everytime na may gumagawa ng masama sakin, i always sing that part of the chorus. yun lang nakakaya kong gawin para mawala pagkaasar ko. kanta lang, "may araw din ang mga kontrabidang tao". but i stop there. kasi ang kasunod na line non, "tiyak maglalaho sa mundong ito". bahala na ang kalikasan, kung diyos man yun, kung ano gagawin nya sa mga kontrabidang tao. basta they will have their day.

wala naman akong alam na kwento ng buhay na dire-direchong masaya ang buhay ng mga kontrabidang tao. si marcos na-depose at patay na nga't lahat eh ayaw pang patawarin ng mga tao (but in fairness, gumaganda pa image nya ngayon pag kinukumpara kay GMA), si erap na di pa nag-iinit sa upuan ng presidente eh napaalis na, si GMA... ah, kakantahan ko na lang muna sya.

pero malaking tao man o maliit. kilala o hindi, nakapanty man o brief, basta nag-isip at gumawa ng pangit at mali sa isa, dalawa o maraming tao, lalo na kung di makaramdam ng remorse, may araw sila. hindi man ngayon. perhaps they can enjoy their lives now but they will have their day.

sabi, yun daw karma, hindi necessary na dun mismo sa taong masama nagbu-boomerang, pwede rin sa mga mahal nya sa buhay. although, kung ako ang tatanungin di dapat ganon; yung walang kasalanan dapat di mag-suffer.

at minsan kahit walang gawin ang tao, nature has its way of making people pay for the evil things they commit. minamalas. and nature has its way of rewarding those who are good, siniswerte naman. kaya pag minamalas ako, iniisip ko..."hmm, ano ba nagawa kong mali?...meron ba kong sinaktan?'' pag sinwerte naman ako, "hmm, i must have been good."

basta ako, sunod-sunod ang swerte ko gnayon.

memorable movie lines (dedicated to clickandcrash)

2005-10-18T11:09:00.000+08:00

are you really that stupid or you're just doing it to annoy me? - from "baby's day out", the leader of a KFR gang said to his henchman

do you make an effort to be obnoxious or is it a gift? - rene russo to clint eastwood, forgot the title of the movie.

take that cross away, it only works on teevee. - a vampire to his victim who was brandishing a cross to frighten him away, "once bitten".

i'm a catholic. - from the same movie, by the same vampire, the same scene.

frankly, i don't give a damn. - from a classic movie na hindi ko napanood

freedommmmmmm!!!!! - mel gibson in 'braveheart.'

i am ending our friendship. - brendan fraser in 'with honors'

magdamag kang di umuwi ng bahay, nagkulong kayo sa kwarto, anong ginawa nyo don? nag-jack en poy?!!! - from the movie (don't laugh now, yes, i did see it) 'dapat ka bang mahalin' sharon to cuneta to gabby concepcion.

how dare you have the audacity to insinuate so i can tolerate such diabolical insolence of a mere minute personality such as yourself! but if you persist on such obnoxious attitude then i shall be compelled to summon up my forces and pulverize you. in other words, shut up! - this one is not from a movie but a paperback na nabasa ng isang classmate ko in high school. kwela.

apparently, puro sarcastic lines ang natatandaan ko.

valedictorian

2005-10-12T13:02:00.000+08:00

hindi ako yan.

the highest award i got was third honorable mention and that was back in grade school pa. the other one was as spelling bee district champion being the only one to spell rendezvous correctly, i was 9. tapos la na ko matandaang citations na magaling ako o matalino ako. to my parents' dismay. :-(. kahit loyalty award eh wala ako.

got a grade of D in Pilipino in 3rd year high because i refused to join a class presentation tungkol sa Noli Me Tangere. never got exempted from taking final exams back in college, either. minsan lang ako nakalibre from English subject when i persuaded my professor to allow me to take the exam ahead of my classmates because i was going to taguig for an immersion program. he couldn't let me, but after looking at his class record and mulled over the number of my absences, he just decided to exempt me.

i loathed mediocrity but i didn't strive for excellence either. (yeah, i'm really full of contradictions). i've not been competitive. if at all, i only competed with myself. i didn't set lofty standard for myself, defying all expectations of me. i was content with meeting my own expectations and if i exceeded i would slacken and just enjoy my time.

early on din, i've realized that i'm a non-conformist, unafraid to go against the norms (i must have been infected by the patients in mental ward). i dared to be different even if it meant being isolated, but i relished my solitude. i enjoyed dining out, watching movies, all by myself. when phils. hosted SEA Games many years back, i went to watch the swimming competition alone. amidst the thundering cheers for pinoy swimmers, perched on the bleacher i solved my crossword puzzle. tingin ng tingin sakin katabi kong lalaki, na-weirdohan sya pero na-impress naman sa bilis kong magsagot ng crossword.

ganon lang ako noon hanggang ngayon, masaya sa sarili kong mundo. masaya na hindi pumalpak sa mga ginagawa ko, hindi nale-late sa mga deadlines at ma-congratulate ng konti for a job well done. i have simple joys. basta lang wala akong nilolokong tao eh okay na ko. of course, that doesn't mean wala akong nasasaktan. because i always speak my mind often with acerbic tongue and my attitude tend to be abrasive especially when dealing with people na hayyyy ang isip at ugali. although i've mellowed through the years. ilang beses na nga kasi akong napuna sa ganyan, kaya instead na maging prangka at mataray ay pinag-aralan ko na lang pano magtaas ng kilay habang nagsasalita.

masaya na din ako that people take me for what i am now. minsan nakakantyawan na flip by those who know where i spent my childhood. madalas nasasabihang maldita; my colleagues are fond of blaming me for the worst catastrophes, natural or otherwise, maliit man o malaki. bastusan na nga eh. ang nakakatuwa lang eh they don't forget to say good things about me. like etong mga huling pangyayari, buti na lang daw at magaling ako kundi eh sumabog na trabaho ko.

i am also content being an agnostic; the most spiritual and most religious of my friends do not dare contest me kung sinasabi kong nagda-doubt ako sa existence ng diyos. kahit na tumataas ang kilay ko pag sinasabihan akong "leave everything to god" ay ngingitian na lang ako and they would acquiesce and just believe that i know what i am doing and what i'm doing is right.

and with all the things that i have been through, i remain standing. the greatest of my achievements so far is raising a responsible and caring child. i always feel good whenever my son tells me i'm a wonderful mom. mabuti din na maaga pa ay nasabi ko na sa kanya that i am not a perfect person, that as an adult i also make mistakes. and that kahit bata pa sya, i can also learn from him.

i've had my share of boo-boos. what's important to me is i'm not afraid to admit if i did a mistake and learn from it. i am also always ready with "i'm sorry", but i only decide to drop those two words when i know i am really rueful at handa akong wag na ulitin kung anuman yung mali o masakit kong nagawa.

i take pride being in control of myself. even when i'm undergoing catharsis still i never lose my rein. i also don't mind it if people don't recognize the strength of my character so long as they don't tell lies about me. kasi ako ang prinsipyo ko, if i have nothing good to say about a person, i don't say anything at all. at lalong ayoko when people lie to me. but when they do, i have an option to fight back and let the truth out or kung di naman masyadong damaging eh kakaawaan ko na lang yung ganong tao. in the end, whatever bad things a person does against another person would always backfire at him or her. basta dapat ang ending eh good triumphs over evil. kaya ayokong nanloloko o nang-aapi o nanggugulang ng tao. i live to be happy, i live to enjoy life, but i also respect other people's right to live and to live happily.

sa ganitong paraan wala man akong medals, di man ako valedictorian, i know gagraduate ako sa buhay with flying colors.

2005-10-11T14:24:00.000+08:00

" There is a time in every human life when a decision one makes helps carve the path to his destiny. It is at that crossroads, without knowing what lies ahead, that a choice is made which influences all events to follow." - Mario Puzo, The Family

binata

2005-10-10T13:25:00.000+08:00

my son, my bestfriend on his
birthday. love you to infinity and beyond. mwah!!!!

goblet of fire

2005-10-04T10:36:00.000+08:00

prof. dumbledore to prof. mcgonagall when she said harry potter be brought to madam pomfrey after potter's close encounter with voldermort:

"He will stay, Minerva, because he needs to understand. Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery. He needs to know who has put him through the ordeal he has suffered tonight, and why."

freaky

2005-10-03T11:04:00.000+08:00

some minds run along the same frequency. kainis, di ko tuloy maisulat yung gusto kong isulat sana today kasi may kapareho na naman!!!!

"CWACWIFBAA" (thanks to clickandcrash for the title)

2005-09-26T17:32:00.000+08:00

i had another "conversation with a child who is fast becoming an adult." like most of our serious talks this one came without warning. one tuesday evening, two weeks ago he asked if i was going to cry again like i did the night before. he was referring to that incident when i had to compel myself to cry just so i would cease feeling numb. recent developments had an anaesthetic effect on me that i had to induce myself to laugh or to scream or to cry. i succeeded in stimulating my lacrimal glands still unacquainted with the state of emotion that drove me to shed tears. it roused him from sleep even if i tried to muffle my sobs by burying my face under the pillow.

and so the following evening while he was watching tv and i was preparing our vegetarian dinner he asked that question. it dawned on me that while he was privy to my moments of grief i had left him in the dark as things started to get better. i put my cooking on hold and sat beside him. i said, 'no, mommy's not going to cry tonight. mommy's feeling okay." he noticed that i had been smiling a lot that evening so i told him that it was because i was revelling in the encouragements, affirmations and pledges of support i received from so many people that day. what he asked next had taken me aback, "are sure you can trust them?" he had that cynical look on his face that made me anxious.

he talked to me about trusting people, or the reverse of it. he said i couldn't just trust anybody, that it was what i did with "bleep" and because of that trust i didn't recognize i was being deceived. and i didn't know 'backstabbing' was already part of his vocabulary. he reiterated i couldn't trust anybody, not even him.

he wouldn't elaborate on why i couldn't trust even him. over dinner we carried on the conversation. i couldn't just drop the topic because it has worried me. eversince he was a baby i instilled in him the value of trust but apparently cynicism has rubbed on him already. he then told me life is like one of the wrestling matches he saw: three women went up to the ring, amiably chatted with one another then suddenly one woman kicked the one next to her and that commenced the brawl. of course, a wrestling match follows a script; every kick, punch or spring jump, every dodging, every fall, is choreographed and well-rehearsed. and he knows that.

it was difficult to teach about trust when he had witnessed betrayal and deception. the difference now is that he doesn't blame me anymore but warns me instead. his mind is remolded and reshaped by everyday experiences, he's probably getting confused. trust vs. mistrust. the only thing i could tell him was that trust is still the essence of any good relationship between or among people. taking off from his observation, i told him he could always begin with trust, then choose the people he can have faith in. if some people fool him along the way, then he would know those human beings don't deserve to be trusted. it was good to hear his misgivings about some people, not only did i learn from him but i also got an opportunity to explain to him that when caught in the middle people choose between right and wrong, nobody remains a fence-sitter. the one who chooses to be on the right is the one to be trusted.

it's sad that he no longer is the kid who used to be just inquisitive. he is now weaving life with his experiences as well as mine and begins to see life's intricacies. again, i realized he's growing old very fast. it's sadder because what he is witnessing is the downside of life and the reality is magnified because things happened within his own abode. two separations, two dads lost, two deceptions, a sorry mom, and he was always in the middle of it. much as i tried to shield him from adults' idiosyncrasies i could not escape his keen senses and insightful mind.

sometimes it's frightening to imagine that with the things that he knows now my kid might grow up an angry person, a pessimist or an imperfect perfectionist. the only consolation i have is that he articulates his views and unafraid to express his opinions. at least now he is capable of expressing his anger or mistrust or grief or happiness or even kilig when he sees his crush. young as he is i learn a lot from him. i realize everyday that he is part of me and i am part of him. whatever happens to me can make or unmake him in the future and even at his age his views matter. at times i have to look at things from his perspective. there's so much to learn from the wisdom of a child. our conversation ended with me saying that i trust him because he is a good and intelligent child. he also said he trusts me.

If you are wise, smile. :)

2005-09-22T11:48:00.000+08:00

"Laugh: a smile that bursts." - John E. Donovan

"The key to being popular is to keep a smile on your face." Abigail Van Buren

"Smiles are richer wealth than tears." - Anon

"One may smile, and smile, and be a villain." - William Shakespeare

"It's difficult but rewarding....To smile when others are complaining." - William Arthur Ward

"To smile at the enemy is to disarm him." - The Mother

"Keep smiling. It makes everyone wonder what you are up to." - Unknown

"If we do meet again, why, we shall smile! If not, why then, this parting was well made." - William Shakespeare

"A smile says many things. It says you're happy. You're confident. You're feeling secure." - T.W. McKnight & R.H. Phillips

"The mere possibility of employing laughter as a weapon shows that it involves the idea of power." - Harald Hoffding

"A guilty conscience needs no accuser." - English Proverb (smile here)

2005-09-14T17:13:00.000+08:00

may mga alaalang hindi ka iiwan. kahit anong gawin mong pagtalikod ay hindi aalis. kahit tumakbo ka palayo ay hahabulin ka pa rin. mga alaala ng mga tao, bagay o mga pangyayari na gusto mong talikuran pero hindi pwede. minsan aakalain mong nakatakas ka na dahil wala ang mga bakas o mga anino, walang mga palatandaan, walang mga litrato, walang mga sulat, pero isang araw mararamdaman mo na lang na nandon pala, nahihimlay lang sa likod ng isip pero patuloy na nag-iimpluwensya sa mga araw-araw na kilos o gawa, sa mga desisyong binibitawan. at isang araw maiisip mo hindi pala dapat takasan ang alaala o isiping sana hindi yun nangyari, dahil kahit anong gawin mo para makalimot ay pasundot-sundot na papasok sa isip mo, at minsan sa kunsensya.

may mga nangyari, may mga taong nakilala na hindi sinasadya, mga bagay na nagawa na akala mo ay tama dahil masaya ka nong gawin mo yon. pero nangyari na ang lahat. nagawa mo na ang hindi dapat. mga alaala na lang, nakalipas na, paulit-ulit na mababalikan pero hindi na mababago.

numb

2005-09-12T16:32:00.000+08:00

no pain, nor sorrow, nor joy, nor love, nor regret, nor anger, nor weariness, nor grief. naught. just plain numb, but breathing.

wiseact.com

2005-09-08T14:42:00.000+08:00

kakauwi pa lang ng office namin mula sa isang retreat-cum-team building. for lack of adequate term daw eh eto na lang ang tawag kasi nagmula lang to sa napansin ni vivian na pagod ang mga tao at mabababa ang spirit, drive, etc. at kailangang may activity na gawin para bumalik ang gana ng mga tao na magtrabaho with the usual enthusiasm. fr. nonong pili, our retreat master-cum-team building facilitator (tawagin daw namin syang pads)came up with wiseact.com. C for consciousness, O for organization at M for mission. yun yung tatlong aspeto na uuriratin sa dalawa't kalahating araw.

spiritual ang ginawang approach ng wiseact.com. intro pa lang eh nagtanong na si pads kung lahat ba daw eh christian. eclectic kami eh, may christian, may taoist, may agnostic, may would-be-atheist, may cosmic. at karamihan ay comic. so ginawa nyang katanggap-tanggap sa lahat yung konsepto ng god. at mas importante, hindi nagpatali sa lalaking diyos. may paradigm shift na daw sa konsepto ng diyos, di na daw yung dating hiwalay ang diyos sa tao kundi god lives among us daw. at eto pa, eh katagal na palang dineklara, at least ng catholic church, "that god is a father but above all god is a mother."

pero sa kabuuan di naman talaga usapin ng diyos, mas usapin pa ng 'becoming fully human' na magsisimula sa pag-observe ng sariling consciousness, being aware of what's going on inside the self and which result to shifts in attitudes and relations.

wiseact.com brought out the better in each one of us. i'd say 'the better' kasi ngayon pa lang kami nakapasok sa loob ng aming mga sarili to give ourselves 'loving attention'. nagkaron kami ng chance to be quiet, observe our feelings without reacting, and eventually see reality as it really is.

may small-group sharing na bawal mag-judge at mag-advise; ang pwede lang gawin ay acknowledge, accept and assimilate kung anuman yung nai-share ng bawat isa. ang hirap, actually kasi we know a lot about one another already pero ang dami pang di namin alam sa isa't-isa. sabi ko nga nung plenary na, it was difficult to just listen and refrain onself from asking kasi di namin alam kung acknowledgement ba yung tanong namin or if were we just being nosey.

may mga moments of silence. focusing yun, para nga madinig namin kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga sarili namin. mga 5 minutes lang of silence, may mga nahirapang magconcentrate kasi ang daming ibang pumapasok sa isip, dala ng habits of the emotion and the mind. daming realizations ng mga tao, ang lalalim. may mga inner child pang pinag-usapan. ako simple lang insight ko, that beyond transcendence, yung makalampas sa tragedies ay kailangan din ng integration ng sarili afterwards, then one becomes fully human. hmmm....di yata simple, mahirap din yata yon.

the best part of it was yung tatlong sunod-sunod na activities. the first was when we were asked to write positive things about each one, mabilisan, one minute, spontaneous dapat. it was meant to affirm ourselves, nung basahin namin kung ano ang mga sinulat tungkol sa min eh para naming minamapa ang teacher's village at central district - matalino, maalalahanin, mabait, etc. kainis lang kasi naiwan ko sa room namin sa manor hotel southwoods yung sakin na plano ko pa naman ipa-frame. but i should list down some of the things i remember, "matalino, sweet, sharp mind, beautiful person, generous, mabait, 'the best', matapang, fights her own battle, strong-willed, good mom to kakai, nice, smart, knows and fights for her rights, lav u,i love you, i miss you, friends for keeps, masarap kasama, pasensyosa at di pa nakikitang magalit.' the last two made everyone laugh when i read it aloud.

after that we gave candles to individuals we wanted to thank or to say sorry. halos walang mga salitaan, puro yakapan at iyakan, tears of joy and gratefulness. isa ko sa pinakamaraming iniyak. tapos non, ang susunod ay paghingi ng forgiveness sa mga taong wala don, pero di daw kailangang sabihin. nag-sorry ako sa mommy at daddy ko dahil natitiis kong wag magpakita sa kanila, sa auntie kong namatay na hindi ko nadalaw, kay kahlil sa lahat ng dinadaanan nyang hirap dahil sakin, at nag-sorry na din ako in advance sa isang tao. pwede din daw magpatawad in silence. i took that opportunity, pero hiningi kong madinig ng lahat yung pagpapatawad ko kay mike at sa kuya ko. biglang napaiyak si malou, one of my best friends sa office, at niyakap ako, kainis daw kasi la sya balak umiyak but when i did it eh di na daw nya napigilan. once again, i receive words of affirmation, ang galing ko daw talaga. ako din, nagalingan din ako sa sarili ko.

wiseact.com was for each of us. sa may garahe, nalaman ko na sa group sharing eh ang dami din palang umiyak, pati mga lalaki. may kanya-kanyang insights, learnings, may mga epekto sa bawat isa that would make each one a better person. kanya-kanyang dating. basta sakin timing lahat. ah at ang isa pa palang nakakatuwa eh sa randon grouping eh nagkakasama-sama yung mga taong dapat na magsipag-usap, mga taong sa pagitan nila eh may invisible walls na nabuo which were broken nung nagsipag-usap usap na.

it was a very enriching experience, would change a lot of lives. enjoy ako, at salamat sa lahat ng andon. salamat din pati sa mga wala don na nagbubuo ng kung sino ako o ang bawat isa samin.

as for the organization, from southwoods manor hotel dire-direcho kami lahat sa office at nagsipagbukas ng mga computer, tawag sa telepono, may nag-meeting, trabaho na naman. pero walang ng mga nakabusangot.

2005-09-05T11:15:00.000+08:00

"never believe the devil even when he is telling the truth"

gabriel garcia marquez

SEPTEMBER NA!!!!!!!!

2005-09-01T15:26:00.000+08:00

ah, september na. at wala na kong maisip isulat. i'm simply elated at this very hour.

my life went downhill in the past few months because of the break up. year after year after year i have to face up to crisis that varies in intensity but crisis just the same. i'm not sure, but noticeably it comes with the rainy season. i thought i had already put an end to this cycle which i recognized some six or seven years back. as i think about it now the pattern continues but my ways of coping vary. fortunately, i still come out not unscathed but a better person each time.

whose life is always happy anyway? i realized everyone's cycle of life is like that, there tends to be a pattern of ups and downs. people deal with stresses and frustrations that may seem unbearable. and sometimes it happens that the gratifications are too little to compensate for the difficult times encountered. or sometimes they come in trickles that one can't recognize there are actually a lot of good things taking place.

not everything's settled yet, as far as the consequences of the separation are concerned. i wouldn't say the storm has completely passed. i still have a few more things in my list that i need to accomplish. but i'm picking up pieces of me. what's important to me now is i dared to die so i could come alive.

and as i had predicted things are gonna get better in september.

quotables

2005-09-01T07:16:00.000+08:00

"The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody had decided not to see." - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

From Love in the Time of Cholera:

"The world is divided into those who can shit and those who cannot."

"You don't know the trouble you've gotten into with me. I'm a crazy woman from the insane asylum."

zatoichi

2005-08-29T16:54:00.000+08:00

i've seen the japanese film zatoichi at greenbelt last year. lest i mix it up with the tom cruise-starrer the last samurai, i'd rather not delve into the movie's plot. there was just something that struck me which came towards the end of the film. zatoichi (was that his name?) was an old blind masseur. his remaining functional senses were keen. he was a gambler and very good at it. he walked around the village alone with eyes closed guided by his walking stick that converted to a sword in times of peril which he used masterfully and with the agility of a young man, to maim or kill his opponents. he outwitted and slain his greatest nemesis by agreeing to a duel only in total darkness. well, at least that's how i remember it. but don't trust my memory. i'm only good at remembering people who deceive me.

anyway, what was interesting was the revelation towards the end of the movie that zatoichi was not blind at all. or was he really? after all the battles he fought and routing all his enemies he decided to drop his stick, opened his eyes and walked. then he tripped over a tiny rock and fell flat on the ground. isn't it ironic?

(so why after over a year am i writing about it now? i don't know, just some thoughts that entered my mind the past days. don't even know if it has any relevance to the discoveries i've made the past days, and still discovering more. i'm just typing whatever comes into my mind right now not forgetting the fact that the past week was extra galling for me.)

i was wondering if zatoichi chose to be blind as a form of discipline so he could sharpen his other senses. i remember that in the last samurai, when tom cruise was being trained to become one, he was also told to sense everything without seeing. but on the other hand it could be that zatoichi pretended to be blind so he could deceive his adversaries. he feigned his strength so he could keep the element of surprise crucial in battles; made his opponents less alert and vigilant. yeah, it could be that. then when he thought he had already outsmarted everyone he slackened. opened his eyes and revealed himself. then he made one single mistake, that was to fail to see that a tiny rock could bring him down.

toink

2005-08-24T10:11:00.000+08:00

the earthquake that took so many lives in baguio caught me in the 8th floor of an old university building. as i tried to escape the wrath of nature i still managed to campaign for our student party. the boat i was riding together with barkadas capsized on our way to matabungkay. while under water and slowly sinking i was wondering where my Ray Ban was. a bullet missed me by a hairline and i could only utter, "oopps....shit!" i played hide-and-seek with death envoys and the only thing i made sure was i had my ID with me, that if at all i could be identified and my corpse be brought home to dad and mom. and so many other unbloggable misadventures. not even once did i think of praying for my life or salvation of my soul or divine intervention.

but in the past two months i had been praying a lot. my counsellor, on my second session with her, said i'm suffereing from broken heart. that drove me into profuse tears. she asked what i've been doing to recover from it, so i told her one is to pray. and pray a lot. knowing that i'm an agnostic she said i must be really hurting that it got me into praying.

a glass of water, pats on my shoulder, a good rub on the back then i regained my composure. in between sobs, face still sullen, pathetic even, i thought to myself, "tang ina ang baduy ng problema ko, BROKEN HEART!!" toink!!!

2005-08-23T12:45:00.000+08:00

"i adore you because you made me a whore."

- the Widow Nazaret to Florentino Ariza
in 'love in the time of cholera'

sexual intercourse

2005-08-22T18:42:00.000+08:00

i told kai i would be giving away some of his books to my friends' kids. one of them would be alek. "who's alek?", he asked, tita xty's and tita burns' kid. how did that happen, he asked again. "sexual intercourse?" hmmm, no. not that way.

then a little while later he asked if jesus really had a child, because he's into "angels and demons" now. that's what some people say, i told him.

kai: with whom?
me: with magdalene, they say
kai: how did that happen? sexual intercourse?
me: i supposed so, that's how babies are made.
kai: but what about virgin mary? how did she get pregnant? sexual intercourse too?
me: (inhale, len. then, exhale) uhm, raped by the holy spirit?.... (TOINK, KABLOG, TGSSK, EUINK me.)

damn it, how am i supposed to explain that. end of conversation for now.

blogger na anak ko!!!!

2005-08-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

kai just made his blog. yan ang output ko tonight dito sa office. okay na that he's still awake past his bedtime. tuwa naman ako. kaya lang tapos na sya mag-post at nakadalawa na agad eh ginugulo pa rin ako ng maraming tanong, habang kumakanta ng halleluja.

1 down, 1 to go

2005-08-17T15:04:00.000+08:00

just finished the gender audit report of philnet which without a hint of modesty, i said i could finish in two days. apparently, it took longer than that, much longer actually. blame my lethargic state i was in for quite some time. good to get back on my feet now. not that i want to but i am compelled to because the presentation is set tomorrow at 3 pm. and i've still one more to do.

as i write this post i got this YM from my colleague, "Excellent! We can engage PhilNet in an animated discussion". she just received the report i emailed to her. i asked for comments and some points she might want to add and this is what i got. i'll take it to mean that i've to brace myself for tomorrow's presentation.

i missed today's launching of a module/book on sexuality something... at UP-CWS. there's a long list of presentors i was told and the program would last from 1 to 5 pm. i thought i would not be able to flee when i wanted to, just like what i did this morning at pahra/tfd/mag forum. i opted not to go and gave up the complimentary copy of the module/book.

part of the program would be a discussion on HIV. yesterday, our board president joined our meeting to explore possiblities of wise act's involvement in HIV awareness campaign, which is going to be under my helm. yaikks, first it was VAW, now it's HIV.

we were told yesterday that WHO is very much interested on studying the philippine experience in preventing spread of HIV-AIDS in the country. ours is a low-risk country, only 2230 cases reported nationwide with a projection that it could soar to 10,000, but even that is negligible compared to the 80 million population. the projection was actually made some time back and apparently we didn't reach the target. (target?)

the truth is that, our board president said, there is nothing to learn as far preventive measures are concerned because the philippines has not really done much except that we were one of the first to pass a law pertaining to HIV which contains a provision that prohibits mandatory HIV testing, and also we set up HIV centers that would take care or handle persons living with HIV. the politically correct term i learned is "persons living with HIV", not HIV victims, not HIV positive. i too learned that HIV is most commonly transmitted through heterosexual sex. so that HIV is a gay thing is just a myth.

those engaged in HIV work are floating the assumption that the philippines has nominal cases of HIV because we, filipinos, are not as promiscuous as other asians and we are not as kinky, and we are not as fond of anal sex. give our religiosity a credit for that. but there is still cause for alarm because values of the youngs are now fast evolving. many youngs of today think multiple sex, simultaneous sex, group sex are okay. also, the high rate of migration is another cause for alarm, 37% of the 2230 reported cases of HIV are OFW's. curious thing, many cases of HIV are also found in coastal communities.

i'll learn more about HIV in due time. meanwhile, back to the other report i have to finish.